I love you so much. I remember the last thing I said to you…. “3-4 days and it’ll be no big deal I promise”… You didn’t need to do this but I do understand how much you hurt. When I held you trembling that night before, we knew. I sooooo badly regret NOT checking your room downstairs and making sure you went to school. I could have stopped this and I’m just dying knowing you were here the whole time when we went to the courthouse that morning… We came home and worked! We were here probably moments after you did this….you asked me time frames and everything. Some say it just would have prolonged all this but I know you could have got past it… just a few days baby… I’ve never lead you astray. I wish you could have understood and hung in there longer buddy.

I love you. I carried your box around today and me and Jaz wondered where you wanna be. Dining room so you can see the new baby eagle in his nest? The kitchen near the macaroni we made today? My mom says I should put you in the cupboard and move outta this house. I feel you so strong here and there. I can smell that awful cologne you drenched youself in. No hun it smelled good but you killed me in the car with the overload of it when I took you to the movies.

The movie theatre wants to post your pic you colored for 9-11… it was beautiful and so true…

“Anyone can be a hero.. everyone should help each other… everyone should remember the good times and the sad times”

That is the wisdom you had. You had strength sweetheart and I and everyone who knows you knows that. That’s all that matters. I know I KNOW how much patience you had and how much anguish it was.

You still could have fulfilled youself with a life that would have been good. I don’t totally get it yet. I have visions of you changing you mind last minute and I wasn’t there is you tried to cry out my name. I was on my way back from court eating eggs at the Farmhouse…. my food was cold. So cold I had to send it back. You know how I never do that… that was about the time you gave up on life. You turned off like a lightswitch on me. I only searched to cancel that out. We never really thought we’d find you like that. But we looked…. we knew sort of.

You were so desperate and sad and when I heard your friends saying you were fine the night before and gathering things to lay out… I knew… I know your feelings were gone but I am very glad you did think of the kids. You made sure that they wouldn’t find you. And you learned your little roping skills from Camp Kirby which I didn’t like from the first time I saw you tie a “noose” is that what you call it? I still wonder if you slipped out or you undid it in a frantic after you got your jugular or whatever it’s called.

And why didn’t they give me your shirt? I’ll find all that out. It can’t hurt any worse so it’s ok. I want too see the coroner pics and 911 call. I couldn’t remember alot cuz of the shock and I was alone cuz Doug had to get the kids to his moms asap.

I’m waiting on autopsy reports still… they should be here around your birthday next week. I invited Anthony over so maybe he can have a shirt or some of your games or something. He loved you and really needed you. I wish you didn’t get that hard hit like you did. It was a hard hit to all of us so we can only imagine how you felt.

I can’t believe I don’t have a son anymore. Just this box… a heavy one btw holy cow I can’t believe my son is in a box. We will scatter you as requested by you soon. Probably after your birthday and when I find someone papa and gramma and myself will feel comfy with. I doubt we’ll get to the ocean but I’m thinking deception pass bridge cuz you used to think it was the ocean when you were little. We both know how gramma will react to even being on a boat. I hope that will be ok… Your ashes will drift up on our backyard on the beach.

Jazmin would love that and I know you want to be there for her and I’ve seen you watching out for her. I do believe. I know…. it’s only happened a small couple times but I know it’s you… I can smell you and feel your brain inside me every morning when I wake up. I hope I can wake up peaceful and not panicking.

I need to know you made it and you’re in a wonderful place. I do believe you are cuz all you did was reach out to others in distress and help those who felt sad and empty like you did. I wish I could have filled that void for you. It always drove me crazy cuz I KNEW… I KNEW sweetie. I knew and I couldn’t convince you. I couldn’t say the right thing. I couldn’t get you to wait. If I had just checked for you before I left for the courthouse…. you would still be here learning more of lifes lessons. You learned more than most people that are 40 or older. You always did the right thing while you were here. You DID, in every situation thrown you way.. with pride and respect for others…

You were (were ugh… are) my easy kid. You WERE (i guess i gotta say that now) the easiest best kid in the world. I always joked that I wish you’d go smoke a joint or steal something or do something bad so I could believe you were normal. You were always so secluded in your room. Thank God we got you out for Olive Garden at the end there. I know you didn’t like to go much with us but I don’t regret forcing you to those last times cuz we DID have fun and the little ones talk about those times.

You just wanted to be at home all the time and your friends come here to you.. I do love that you found great comfort here. I have your voicemail asking for an energy drink and some chips from over a month ago and I listen to it often.

I feel bad for all the times I gave those games etc. to you and you not moving the lawn… and I feel bad for most of the time just giving you what you wanted cuz I knew you were so sad and you never asked me for much ever. You were selfless and the time you did spend here was helping others.. You helped me so much. You were the man of the house. I didn’t want to put that burden on you but I know you always worried if “I” was ok. You protected me and your counselor would tell me how worried you were about ME. We all were worried about YOU.

I kick myself for pulling myself together in the past year or two so extremely. You knew I was “strong” as you said and you questioned me so recently over and over asking me how come I didn’t get upset when things went way wrong. I told you “water off a ducks ass”. I meant that just the way it was. You could have made it sweetie and we would have always been right behind you.

Taylor wherever you are I don’t know if you can read this but I will read it aloud for you as well. I love you with all my heart and I carry your ashes in a heart urn on my necklace.

I want to take the “leftovers” that “funeral joe” (I love him) gave me that I have in the safe and give a little to those who you said matter to you. I will and I know who they are.

But I will also offer a piece of you who you thought didn’t matter (your father) but he did love you. I always told you that. I still believe that. He was victim to a girlfriend who yapped and fretted about whether it was me or you.. there was jealousy involved. The fact that I hear she decided she doesn’t want kids even though they are married now speaks huge messages there. That was not because of you. You did nothing but give him the benefit of the doubt over and over and you should have held in there. You would have eventually saw. That’s always all it was… her and just basic ignorance, not pure evil though. He loved you. Just so much time went by that he felt akward getting back into your life. I tried to get to them but they always thought I was overreacting. Here I go defending him again but I really do believe he loved you. He just didn’t know how to keep it rolling. He’s not “evil” like some we’ve run across. He was just kinda dumb. He did love you I know this.

You gave up with a hard hard hit… Your dad gave up over time.. you know out of sight out of mind… but the good news is I know of two others that don’t see their kids and they’re starting NOW because of YOU baby! People are realizing from your story how bad it hurts kids when parents split and one or both hold a grudge and act like immature idiots. It hurts kids. I am gonna but my fat nose in whenever I can and urge people to start… by writing a letter or anything. It’s never too late and it’s not embarassing. What’s embarassing and terrible is having a son who felt he couldn’t hang in there.. You COULD HAVE!!

I didn’t mean to rag on you but I haven’t done so yet and I really feel a bit mad at you right now. I know you were brave and patient and I know you pushed yourself too much to save everyone out there…. but I got your report card the other day… all F’s. You were giving up for months and I didn’t know it. I didn’t realize how much this was all wearing on you. Your dad couldn’t have helped what you were going through cuz you and I decided not to tell him. We didn’t need a phone call from him telling you that you were disappointing him. Who needs that as the only point of contact? But he’s got one son left and I hope he realizes how important he is in the life of him as he was so much a part of you. You wanted to “do whatever your dad did” for a living cuz you knew he had cool video games and could afford them. Taylor! You could have made it. You had it in you! You were tough and strong…. but silent and withdrawn. I’m glad that when you were super upset you came to me and Doug. I’m so glad of that. You knew you could trust us and we did save what’s her face from suicide. You saved her. And I’m proud of you for that.

I really didn’t care what you did. I knew the road you were headed was gonna be rough money wise etc cuz you didn’t have a real plan. I know you wanted to go into the army but I know you only wanted to do that to prove to what’s her faces parents that you’d risk your life to take care of her. I wouldn’t have been ok with that. I wasn’t ok with that and was relieved that you were barely too young to go there. I didn’t want you front line and disposable. But you were… here in our house… just nothing now. No one busting in the door after school saying “What’s for dinner?” I hear the bus come every day when I’m out sitting in the lawn chair… I still can’t believe it.

I need to know you didn’t suffer. The coroner said “minutes” Is that 2? 8? This is torture but I did roll your turtleneck down and saw you did a dandy job. I guess if I had to choose, the way you did it was definitely an inticator that you were “done”. I will dig in your computer soon… haven’t done so since the sherriff logged out and I don’t have your password. I wanna know if you researched hanging… vs. pills etc.. Well there were no pills here. I just don’t know how I can ever rest. If it had been a tragic car accident, it would be easier I think. I’m still worried about the double dose of zoloft. I don’t think you needed that… You just needed a job or something to get yourself busy. We had drivers ed almost official and I’m sorry it took so long but I was short on cash. I have the application you wrote to subway… and your food card was in your room. That could have been a great start. A great way to pull you out of your slump.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t convince you that this would pass. I WISH I knew that you didn’t even show up at school! I hate this so much. It’s 6:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep no matter how much xanex I take. I do believe that was you the other night… two nights ago. I don’t dream at all and I believe that was you with a different face and body as to not upset me…. I felt like “You need me to go through that door with you?” and I felt you say “I’m just going right here” as you walked through that side door that was beaming with sun shiny light…. No one could find you and no one could here me say you’d be right back. It wasn’t YOU it seemed but I felt the same relationship with you and I wasn’t scared. I knew you were ok. You didn’t seem sad. You just disappeared so fast and I wish you’d take me to wherever it was you were going. I’ve learned enough in this life I want to go too… I want to be with you. I don’t believe you’re stuck and I don’t believe you took the “coward” way out as many say. I will not tolerate that talk from anyone. You did good while you were here and your name will carry on forever… I promise you that.

I’ve always been proud of how nice and respectful you are… I love you darling I’m going to try and sleep now. Visit me in my dreams again. It was nice… the only morning I felt peace and not horror…. I love you. Almost 17 years baby….. all for you. I love you so much. SSOOO much….

Mom