I tried so hard yesterday to just calm my insides, try to work, try to eat, and try to think positive. I tried so hard and focused so much on TRYING to embrace the beauty of the day and the love that surrounds us and the kids.

But I lost it again. Last night I couldn’t stop sobbing and crying and sobbing and sobbing and wailing. I went down stairs like I haven’t done in quite some time, and just sat on the concrete floor where I found him and stared at what’s left of his existance. A couple stains of let’s just say “stuff” from his cute button nose and his pink lips and that crooked smile. All I could do is cry and cry and cry.

I woke up in sobbing tears this morning. I wonder if it ever stopped while I slept. I went through the first whole month, maybe month and a half, where I’d just wake up hysterical almost. I do try to take a morning drive so I can drink a whole bunch of water, have a mocha, and try to eat something, cry, and listen to sad music. Usually when I do that, it helps me to function for the next 4 or 5 hours with just small streams of tears a couple times an hour.

When am I going to be better???? Everytime I think I’m getting better, I go backwards. Every day is a surprise to me.

That terrible lady that commented very untrue and ignorant things in the guest book started it. I tried to fight how it made me feel. I just simply CAN’T listen to someone slam my boy. Like he should have been locked up in a rubber room in a straight jacket. It just wasn’t like that! And her saying that he ran the streets and all that. I’d have paid Taylor 50 bucks if he’d get out of the house and actually DO something. That’s not what depressed people do. Does no one get that he was actually frightened the whole last 6 months of his life?  The only way to get him out of his room was to mention “Olive Garden”, yell for him to kill a spider for me, or continue with his checking of the freezer and fridge every 15 minutes like clockwork.

He felt safe here. He had the best friends that a kid could have too. Every single weekend for years they’d be over and I had a running account going with Dominos. I miss all that. I miss pop cans everywhere. I miss the annoying noise of the playstation keeping me awake all hours from the living room. I can’t believe there is actually doritos that are in my home that are STALE. People have no idea how bad that hits me in the chest everytime I go into the kitchen.

Her banter is fine, sigh, it’s just hurtful even though I kept trying to say to myself, “water off a ducks ass”, but that’s my baby. That is MY BABY! When hurtful things are said about me, fine whatever, but people who know nothing about what was happening and how our entire family was handling it, and then talking about MY SON like he was a waste of air with no life purpose…. It just kills me.

I am trying to keep the faith that he doesn’t care about any of that. I am trying to keep faith in that he is peaceful and happy. I’ve been confronted with peoples religous beliefs and the like, that think Taylor is boiling in a sea of feces with electric eels snapping at him for eternity. Ignorance…. just plain and simple.

I had very mixed feelings too about his other family that started to get to me. I found out that Taylors Dad DID in fact reach out and has made an effort to be there for his other child. I’m so happy for them both and wish them all the best and am glad that this may have brought their family closer together. I really don’t know what’s going on with that but I’m very very very happy of their choices and emotional growth they must be experiencing at an incredible rate. Of course, it did make me protectively jealous I guess you could say. I dunno if I’m saying that right but it does make me emotional.

Anyway,  I hold no resentment at all towards any of them. I know they read this so I hope they take what I’m saying as being sincere. I really am. No one ever wanted this to happen to Taylor and I never believed that for one minute.

When I get angry, it’s aimed at N and R. Still I don’t blame them for his death. I blame them for being mean and INTENTIONALLY hurting him. I don’t like them and I don’t forgive them. Because Taylor did nothing wrong and did not deserve the harassment that he got. Period.

I have to share a little story with you guys though. I have a friend that lives out of state who I had not spoken with in a long long time. I ran into him at a business function. My other friend leaned in and said to me that he’s been through what I have. I was like “WHAT???” Well he said to just stay there and ran over and blabbered something to his wife. I didn’t know her. She looked up at me and I was struck like lightening in the chest when I looked into her eyes. I saw myself in her and felt her sorrow so strongly. I finally found someone who MIGHT understand.

So we both literally puke our stories out like a water faucet together and hugged and hugged. I love her and care about that woman more than she’ll ever know. Her 21  son committed suicide by hanging. It was mainly over some girl. I honestly can’t remember the exact details cuz this was so emotional. He was an adult and out of the house so luckily she didn’t have to find him. She got a call (not sure if that part makes a difference or not but sometimes I wish I could get that part out of my head completely) So the sibling is like 10 when this went down. It was about 8 years ago or so.

So get this!!! You’d think things couldn’t get worse than that right? Wrong! The sibling that whole time was always like “I don’t want to talk about it! I don’t want to hear his name!” Things like that.  Poor kid argh! Kills me and makes me cry while  I write this. Ok, so 6 years later, at 16 years old, and this was about 2 years ago…. He got in a fight with a girlfriend and they were doing the whole hanging up stuff. His mom was kinda in the middle and asking him what on earth was going on etc etc. Well I think it was the next morning or could have been that night. She found him hanging in the closet!!!!! Can you fricking believe that?? Sigh…. My heart goes to her. I haven’t talked to her since I’ve been back but I intend to very soon. I already know that for her as well as myself, time is at a standstill.

This scares me. This COULD happen AGAIN! It HAS happened to someone TWICE! And I do know they are a very loving and nice family. They are great people. Suicide in teens and young adults happens to all kinds of people. It happens for a variety of reasons that it’s impossible for us to understand. We are not in their heads. We see the signs, we act on them, we make sure and let our children know they’re loved and supported. And they do it anyway!!!

She started to cry and blame herself that “I should have known! I should have known!” I’ll bet others say that about her too. “How could she have not seen this coming?” Well it’s not her fault and I can’t wait to talk with her again. It was a simple girlfriend arguement with some hang ups and an upset kid who had underlying depression to begin with over the loss of his older brother. What could she have done? Put him in a straight jacket and check him into a mental hospital just cuz he and his girlfriend were hanging up on each other and the mother knew he might be upset? That’s what “Aunt net” tried to say about my son.

If she’s anything like me now, my heart jumps into my throat at the thought of my last child ever feeling sad. I dread when she becomes a teen and faces pressures, possibly even more loss and grief than she’s already been through, boyfriends, drama, pms, all those things. I just worry sick. If I couldn’t keep my first one alive, who’s to say I can keep my girl alive too. I do feel like a complete failure. I feel it every single day. What if this and what if that? It goes constantly on and on and on.

When I arrived home, I joined a support forum for suicide. The site is huge and full of resources. I want to be sure that I get that sort of info on this site. In fact, I think I’ll start on that now.