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A sudden farewell to our beloved cat, Turd RIP with Taylor
Farewell, my dearest friend, that has comforted me in my moments of darkness RIP Turd
I am still in extreme shock right now. It has been exactly 24 hours since finding my dearest and most loved cat, Turd, struggling for oxygen and dying before my eyes.
Until yesterday late morning, everything with him was totally fine. He’s the most spoiled, happy, active, loving companion one could have in this life. He was totally healthy. Just went to the vet a couple weeks ago in fact cuz he was having a bit of stomach troubles but everything looked like it was going to be fine.
Well I heard him meowing a little differently yesterday morning from my bed. I called him and he didn’t come which was odd too. I went ahead and jumped in the shower and got ready to go for a drive to the graveyard and have coffee etc. I went into my daughters bedroom before I left to give him a snuggle and a kiss. He’s usually be all curled up under her covers. Well he was sprawled out and uncovered and seemed to be breathing hard.
I screamed for Doug, threw his blanket around him, and we rushed him to the vet as fast as we could. On the way there, he had more and more difficulty breathing and was very weak. He was just laying in my arms with a few weak meows and heavy breathing. I was so frightened and was hysterically praying for him to be ok. As he laid on the table he was able to raise up just enough to flop over on his other side. He looked into my eyes and I kissed him and begged him to hang in there. He was so scared and didn’t know what was happening to him.
He got a penicillin shot, a shot for lung fluid, and another for shock. We got him immediately into an oxygen incubator and were told to go ahead and leave him and they would call after they did some xrays.
I went to my moms nearby and paced until we got word that he had an enlarged heart, fluid in his lungs, pressure and wear on his other organs, and a paralyzed front left leg from a blood clot. This was like at 3ish and they were still somewhat hopeful that we could take him home and monitor him over the next 24 hours cuz he seemed to be breathing better. I pictured the worst case scenario as him being on heart meds the rest of his life and a splinted leg, if of course he wasn’t going to suffer or be uncomfortable.
I go pick up my poor daughter from school and prepare her the best I can for the possibility of him not getting better and the fact we might have to put him to rest. That was absolutely horrible but we went as directed after 5 pm to see if there was enough improvement. We prayed and bargained all the way to the vet but when we got there, he was going downhill and fast. When he saw me and my daughter, he got desperately over excited and went into more cardiac attack and was basically drowning from a rapid increase in lung fluid.
We had 1 minute to say goodbye, I had Doug get my girl outta there, and I held his little head begging them to please hurry hurry hurry and put him out. They got the anestesia in him but he died in my hand before the actual euthanasia meds could get near a vein.
He has been such a blessing in our lives and touched so many others in his short 4 years here on this earth. I am absolutely shocked and devestated. Especially over the past 5 months now since my son died, he has been my source of comfort in my most desperate and darkest hours. He’s lifted my daughters spirits with his loviness and I’m sooooo so sad for her especially right now. We lost our dog less than a month before her brother, and now Turd. I expect his ashes soon and we will have some sort of ritual in his name for the kids.
I just can’t believe it! My other cat is 13 and he’s only 4! I was preparing for Sugar to be next but not my little “turd bird”. Everyone please give their pets some love and appreciation today as they are all here to bring us human beings joy and comfort throughout our lives.
And btw, if ANYONE has pics or photoshops of any kind, please email them to me! I’m struggling with finding alot that I know are floating out there.
RIP Turd, I love you forever and ever!!
June 14, 2003 - October 24, 2007
“Strive… if you fail, at least you tried… to keep your aching, celebrating, wonder making heart alive”
Niccole
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Poem: Gone only to others…
GONE ONLY TO OTHERS
Others, who do not know,
Tiptoe around your name
Unaware that your name is silently
Written on my heart, my soul, my life
And inwardly I cry out to hear it spoken.
Others who do not know
Think of you as only in the past
And believe
That you only exist in my past too
Not understanding that you are
Past, Present, Future.
Others, who do not know,
Feel you as gone,
And fail to see the reality of you
Never being ‘truly’ gone from me.
The empty void of your absence
Is filled with your presence,
Your life will forever weave through mine
The divine bond cannot be severed.
Others who do not know,
Mistakenly may think that my love has been
Weakened by separation,
Feelings ceased,
Not so.
Entwined and strengthened
My love for you lives on
And has not died with death.
But you know all this,
If only others knew.
by Ann Holloway
My Chemical Romance - All I Want For Christmas Is You
Jazzy wanted this song posted, so here ya go 
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Poem: Pain
Pain
by Kimberly J. Russell
Pain stuffed inside of me
Can’t let anyone near me
Can’t let anyone see the real me
Can’t let anyone even hug me
All this pain that’s held in me
Why can’t anyone see the real me
Why can’t anyone help me
Why can’t someone just hold me
All this pain that’s eating me
Can’t let go of the pain in me
Can’t get this pain from me
Can’t get this pain out of me
When will the pain stop hurting me
Why can’t I just feel me
Why can’t I just be me
Why can’t someone take this pain from me
Poem: A thousand tears
A Thousand Tears
by Marissa Elizabeth Martin
I’ve cried a thousand tears for you,
Felt a thousand pains.
Screamed a thousand words for you,
Died a thousand days.
Now I’m empty and black like a hole.
Nothing’s in use, I have nothing to control.
Where my heart once was, is where the hole stays.
With the pieces left in it,
you dropped them in the maze.
Except for a single piece,
The only piece I ever knew.
The piece I can’t let go of,
The small piece of you.
I hold it tight but it’s fading, and wearing away fast.
I have to keep a tight hold of it, I need you to last.
But I know eventually this piece of you,
Will fall from me for days.
Then the piece I held onto so tight,
Will too be lost in the maze.
My bittersweet 35th birthday…. ash scattering
Me pouring heart shapes into the water with Taylors ashes….
Uncle Mike McLaughlin scattering some ashes. Later he filled a container and threw it out as far as he could.
Here’s Jazzy and Papa saying goodbye….
Here’s Tanner and Camden and Mike. We all took turns. It was very very sad but at the same time a bit freeing. My parents have been wanting to do it for a while and we planned to to it this day, September 24th, my birthday. I had changed my mind though that day as I started to get depressed and felt alot of anxiety. Suddenly I just called everyone last minute and said “Let’s do this now”.
I have alot more ashes that I’ve saved for family. I have some people to get some to. I’d like to go over to Todds and do some there at the lake where Taylor and Tyler would go out on the boat. If anyone would like any ust email me rrredrrred AT gmail.com and I’ll try to organize that.
Over all it was a decent birthday. My family and Doug is all I need. The best gift in the world is my family together. Even if it has to be under these circumstances. We have grown so much stronger and I look forward to many years with them.
I’m so proud of Jazmin. She actually insisted on filling viles with ashes for some of Taylors friends. She’s a little rock. Don’t think for one minute that it doesn’t worry me and scare me sick. We are working very hard every week getting the family and individual counseling and help that we need for her…. for all of us.
I almost want to label this blog post “My first birthday without Taylor”. He WAS there…. You could feel him.
I wish I could see him, hug him, touch him… and tell him how much I love him and how much we all miss him so. Things will never be the same. But we are trying to survive.
Let’s hope next year is easier.
Niccole
Niccole
Sept 23rd… My siblings all meet at my place
For the first time ever, all 5 of us got to meet all here at my home. As most of my friends know, Quinn (far left) got in contact with me in November 2006 to break the news that our birth mother had passed. Weeks went by before I could call him back cuz I was so shook up. I felt terrible for not meeting with her when she came up to our town a couple years ago. It was just not good timing. Anyway, when we finally got to talking, I found out that Colleen had killed herself and may have killed her boyfriend she was with and was hiding out with no where to go. She suffered a life long of drug illness to the most severe degree. It ruled her life till the bitter end. The sad part for me, is that later we figured out that she did it on my birthday. Nice eh?
So anyway the 23rd was the day before my birthday and Doug had a job interview in Wenatchee. He hasn’t left me alone for that long of a period of time, but it was ok cuz I know Quinn very well and trust him very much. I met Bruce (baby Booboo… the tall one in the middle) at Taylors memorial service in May. I had not been able to meet Eli, however, we spoke on the phone a couple times. Shandra was no where to be found until 2 days before we all met. She hit up Quinn on myspace and the rest is history.
All of our lives changed that day. 5 kids (well adults now) who have all been through more in our short lives than some have in their entire lives. We went through alot of Colleens pics and other odds and ends. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we blabbered on and on…. for hours upon hours. I really adore all 4 of them and are very proud of how they have all turned out considering the challenges all of them have had throughout their lives. Honestly they are the strongest, most non judgemental, balanced, wise people I’ve ever met. With the most mature and deep hearts. I’m so glad to have them all in my life now. The way my life is turning, it’s a miracle I have these new blessings in my life to support me and help me through this all.
My parents came over and they all talked too and my dad took these pics of us in my backyard. Like the one of all our butts? Hehe… yes we had a great time. Doug showed up later and we did a little music playing with Bruce. He’s a great bassist and I’m so proud of him for using his passion for music as his outlet when things got difficult in his life. That’s what everyone needs. A healthy outlet.
I thank all of you so much for blessing me that day. I feel that God orchestrated this for the good of all of our futures. I will always love and adore you guys. My door is always open to you. We will get together again soon. I think Quinn wanted to do something at his house this time.
Oh and btw, Doug DID get his promotion and raise. Therefore, we celebrated a bit that night. To a little less stress and a little more peace. I’m proud of you Doug. Thank you for taking the bull by the horns like you have. I need the rest for a little bit longer. I’m going to bounce back faster without the anguish brought by our financial struggling. I love you!
Niccole
I can’t believe my little Turdlet is gone
I know how much you love that little guy…he was always so cute on his red blanky sucking on it. He will be missed. You gotta find that pic of him like superman always loved that ad!
Comment by Marie — October 25, 2007 @ 7:50 pm