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If you or someone you know is a suicide survivor, please visit.
Well it’s 6 months today
I just got the link to a memory tree. http://memorytree2007.bravehost.com/NAMES.html Taylor’s about halfway down the page. Also the holiday candle memorial site http://www.angelfire.com/ga4/pos2/POSholiday2007.html
Kind of special I thought.
So anyway this marks 6 months of pure hell, the day my baby decided that none of us will get to see him ever again. Today I’m numb. I’m sick to my stomach and I think my skull is cracked from having a grief outburst two nights ago and banging my head on one of my grief books (I’ll use paperback next time) so yeah now I look like a battered housewife and poor Doug is getting scowl-eye from people if we go into public.
I kinda knew the holidays would be rough, that’s obvious. But this is excruciating pure hell. Every tv commercial, every advertisement in the mail, everywhere we go, turn, look, is a reminder of 16 years of holiday cheer all down the shitter. Sure we will “survive” and “get through” and all that b.s. but right now it’s just pure agony every single minute of every single day.
6 months…. you could say, “Wow, it’s been a whole 6 months. Seems like ages ago” but no not in our worlds. It was like yesterday. His life ends over and over in my mind every single day. His life ended permanently… never to breathe another breath or laugh or sing or be goofy again. Never to graduate, never to drive his first car, never to get married or have children. He will never host Thanksgiving at his house when I’m old. He will never have a son or a daughter to love the way that he was loved.
I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up to find this was all a dream…. a mistake.
Tomorrow… I can’t even imagine. I do not know how people survive this. I really don’t. I feel like I need to “do” something. But what do I do? What can I do? I can’t undo this, fix it, heal it, negotiate out of it. I’m powerless and defeated. I lost…. lost what means more to me than anything in the world since the day I was born. My only son…. my first and truest, most genuine unconditional love that there ever was… Ripped away. Done. Gone.
Adam’s song Blink 182
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From AFSP… November 17
National Survivors of Suicide day…. November 17. The graphical art here struck a cord with me and I thought I’d share. Apparently they’re broadcasting online. I’m about to check out last years to see what it’s like.
Why…. what a word. It’s such a common word but yet I think I’ve used it more in the last few months than my entire 35 years combined. I pace around and rack my brain and wonder WHY.
Turd Tribute
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0c61UwJLIMo
I made a video tribute for Turd. I hope you enjoy it!
~Jazmin
Poem: My mum tells alot of lies
My mum, she tells a lot of lies
She never did before.
From now on ’til the day she dies
She’ll tell a whole lot more.
She used to tell the truth a lot
But now it doesn’t matter.
I died and went to Heaven
Her life is all a shatter.
Ask my mum how she is
She’ll say, “Yes I’m fine!”
It that’s the truth then tell me
Why does she cry each night?
Ask my mum how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn’t have a choice you see
Nor the strength to yell.
You think you know the feeling
But this cannot be
For even though you love me
You don’t as much as she.
She will smile and say,
“It’s okay, God has a plan”
But she will turn away and cry
‘Cause she just can’t understand.
Tell a joke and she will laugh
But she is not okay
She wants to share a joke with me
But it will not be today.
I watch from here in Heaven
Her distress disturbs my peace
Will someone take care of her
Thus take care of me.
Someday she will feel better
“Yes I will” she lies
She knows this will not happen
Until the day she dies.
Ask my mum how she is
She’ll say “Thank you, good”,
She cannot tell how she is
Oh, how I wish she could.
Ask my mum how she is
“I’m well, I’m good and you?”
I’ll shake my head in heaven
It simply isn’t true.
She’ll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine
But if you ask how she is
She’ll lie and say just fine.
Her carnival is over
She’s stepped off the carousel
But to save you feeling badly
She’ll say thanks all is well.
My mum, she’s not gone mad yet
But oh, so very nearly
Don’t ask my mum how she is
Ask how she is really
I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug her from here
If she lies don’t listen
Hug her, hold her near.
On the day we meet again
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say, “You’re lucky to get in here mum,
with all the lies you told!”.
author unknown.
Adam’s song lyrics
I never thought I’d,
I’d die alone
I laughed the loudest, who’d have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time,
I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn’t think enough
I’m too depressed, To go on
You’ll be sorry when I’m gone
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn’t wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we’d survived
I couldn’t wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone
I never thought I’d die alone
Another six months I’ll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You’ll never step foot in my room again
You’ll close it off,You’ll board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn’t wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we’d survived
I couldn’t wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone
I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I cant wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I survived
I can’t wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone
Comment by Niccole — November 18, 2007 @ 1:35 pm
How the world misses you v Taylor especially your mom but I know when you descended the heavens opened up and sang a beautiful song. Much peace and comfort to this family. Gena Lafferty
aaronharvey.virtual-memorials.com
Comment by Gena — November 21, 2007 @ 6:44 pm