Well we survived. We are here. Taylor is gone. And we are forced to accept that every year we will watch others age and grow while Taylor will forever be 16. I have pictures on the wall. I have memories blazing through my mind at the speed of light, rarely slowing enough to make sense of it all. All of December was spent crying, going to counselors, going to the doctor every week, staring at the wall, trying to eat food, and trying our best to make Christmas as special as we could for Jazmin and Huckleberry. I think we succeeded with them. They had a great time and not a moment was taken for granted. Every smile of surprise, Every bite of ham, every twinkle of the lights on our tree, and every burst of laughter, and every unpredictable explosion of tears only signifies how much we love our kids and how much we cherish those who have supported us through the unthinkable. I can only say thank you for the consideration and caring that was given to us. I can only turn my back on those who have tried to kick us while we are down.

I couldn’t bare to go the mall this year. I wasn’t going to go into ANY store. I was going to order things and forgive myself for my weakening motivation and feelings of self blame and emptiness. I just wanted to watch the hours go by and face it when I absolutely had to. So this left shopping brushed aside and brushed aside. I avoided the chaos and Christmas hoopla as long as I possibly could until December 23rd. I got brave. I had been gently testing my strength throughout the week. Another “21st” snuck past us. A reminder that it had been 7 months now and nothing seems to be getting easier. I also sat down and observed the pictures that the sheriffs took. I thought I’d never do it but I found myself doing it anyway. I’ll save that story for another day so I don’t lose it but I can say this. It put closure to many things that I have tormented myself with and answered the endless questions of whether he changed his mind or suffered. Whether he could have been murdered or maybe he didn’t mean to do this. All I can say for certain is that there was nothing we could do. There were no doubts in his mind. It was made very clear by every detail I made myself look at. Whew…. well anyway….

I go to walmart, kleenex in hand, and try to stay focused on the kids and all the things that we could buy for them that would be special. We wander past endless decorations and people everywhere with kids. I gaze at every family wondering if they realize that they too might have to wander through this store one day in a haze like I am right now. They don’t even realize that they too someday might walk past the video game section, or the chia pets, or the chocolate oranges, and flop around the floor like a fish out of water screaming and flailing about in terror because they will never see their child again. I almost grieve for every family I see because that’s all I can think about.

So after I leave there and go to “another store in town” I am paralyzed and horrified by the worst thing I could possibly face! The girl that called my baby boy and was so cruel less than 24 hours before. The girl whos parents tormented and taunted my son for months until he could take no more. HER!

So there’s no way out of the store without her seeing us because she’s in front of the store at the cash register. I hid behind things with doug frantically wondering what the hell we should do. I dunno if I can face her. I wanna rip her from behind that register and shake the shit out of her screaming but obviously that isn’t an option. I want to hug her and hold her and tell her it’s ok. I want to tell her how much I care about her. Then, I can only think “F&*^” her! She gets to sit with her fat abusive parents for Xmas dinner and talk about what a “bastard” my son is. I’ve been sent comments from her since he’s been dead that are cruel and so disrespectful to his soul. What am I supposed to do?

We decide that Doug go ahead and buy the two items that we really wanted for Jazmin and I would sneak out of the store. As we get closer to the line she’s in, my heart is racing and I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how I should feel. I don’t have a clue as to what I possibly could be capable of. Doug checks out and I walk past the checkout line and browse some holiday cards on a rack. She totally knows who doug is and I know at this point she’s shitting a golden brick with anticipation and probably fear. But so was I. I was flipping out inside.

They both try to act normal and I hear from behind me, “Can I see your id?”…. Oh my god, I turn around and am driven enough to walk towards them. Doug looked at her blankly when she asked for an id cuz what the hell???? You don’t know who he is? For god’s sakes. I show no emotion and just breathe calmly. He looks at her blankly and doesn’t reach for his id. She starts to shake at this point and is now forced to look at me…. right in the eye. She’s forced to see the emptiness and anguish in my eyes like everyone else in my path has to do. Except SHE knows WHY. I look at her and she looks up at me. My throat choking up and the store spinning around me, I say, “Merry Christmas” and nod. She says “Merry Christmas” back in a defeated manner and I could sense the feelings she had of being struck by lightening.

That is all I said and that is all I did. I walked away. I didn’t yell. I didn’t scowl. I didn’t glare. I didn’t hug her. I didn’t cry. I just walked away. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Is it going to be any easier when I run into her in a store 10 years from now when she’s got kids in her cart and she’s buying her first home with her husband and living a normal life? Will I lose it and attack her? I don’t know. I haven’t lost a child before. All I know is that I am GLAD that she had to look into my eyes. I’m glad that she was reminded what our Christmas was going to be like. I almost feel like she felt SOMETHING. I always wonder if those people feel anything at all.

I turned back to look as I stepped into the cold darkness of the outside…. I saw her slap her hand over her mouth and run like her ass was on fire across the store in total horror. Part of me felt bad… Part of me said “GOOD!” I hate the fact that my son has been forgotten. I hate the fact that people out there with BLOOD ON THEIR HANDS can just laugh and live like nothing ever happened while my and my daughter are faced with this life sentence. This will never be easier. I don’t know that I’ll ever be at total peace. Our Christmas was absolutely awful…. and it’s because there are people in the world who are selfish and mean. There are people who only care about themselves. There are people who like to torment those who already hurt. To hell with them all….

Merry Christmas….