NEW!! - Healing Forum/Discussion Board
Easy to use discussion board where you can post your comments and reply to other's messages in a public forum. (replaces the old guest book)
If you or someone you know is a suicide survivor, please visit.
Poem: It’s a difficult life I travel… by Lyndie
It’s a difficult life I travel
by Lyndie Sorenson
It’s a difficult life I travel
Since the day you went away
I try to find the answers…
I find it hard to pray
I know I should have moved on
As others have expressed
They say I should be happy
For the time that I was blessed
It’s a difficult world to live in
Since the day you went away
Others see me smile…
It’s a hiding game I play
I feel you are around me
Although it’s bittersweet
Memories often painful
Of your life left incomplete
It’s so difficult to join in
Since the day you went away
To share myself within a world…
That has never known this pain
I will try to find some inner peace
For I know down in my soul
You travel on within my heart
Trying desperately to console
It’s a difficult life I travel
Since the day you went away
Although time has moved forward
In my heart it’s yesterday
In loving memory of Joey and his heavenly buddies
Lyndie
© April 2008
Post Your Comments - click here
1 Comment
Since we’re talking about ostracism….
I can get this off my chest too… A couple days ago, I ran into a dear friend who lost his son quite some time ago. We’ve been dying to catch up so we had a great convo…
Somewhere in there, we brushed upon the recent coroner reports I got. While referring to the toxicology report, I voiced to him that I was glad that no one can dishonor my son in that department anymore. There were no drugs or alcohol in his system whatsoever. His hair was 3 and a half inches long so that’s like 7 months worth of proof. My friend nodded in understanding as he, himself, has been subjected to the pain it causes when people say things that are untrue and unfounded about your child. Especially your deceased child.
Right then, a lady interrupted with “Well blah blah something about zoloft etc etc”. I said, “Uhm, yes there was zoloft because that is what I was advised to do years ago. I fought it and fought it with counselors, doctors, etc etc the whole time. It’s not like I didn’t watch him like a hawk on it. Well at the end, his depression turned more towards panic disorder because of the fear he was living in. It escalated to the point where he begged his doctor for a chest xray (Which I recently picked up from the hospital. I’m so glad I can see his heart whenever I want to). His doctor stepped up his dose from the recommended starting dose he had been on for years… to the dosage that was a standard increase across the board. Trust me, I’ve been all over this and information of ALL KINDS have been studied and absorbed.
All I can say to that…. is
“Dear Lady,
Since you are so educated on the manner… Wait, do you have any education in the matter? Hmm, I thought not. Anyway, I blame myself for every aspect of everything already. It almost has eaten me alive. I really try to fight doing that. I don’t want the kids to blame themselves for things like this. I don’t want them to hear ONE WORD on the playground from families who blame ME and talk about it in front of their kids. We really don’t need this.
There are things that happened to Taylor near the end that were even worse than originally thought. More reasons to fear his life and/or going to jail. There were accusations made… threats… bullying… Later we did find out that the person in question openly admitted she had lied. She simply knew of Taylors troubles with the terrorizing from his girlfriends parents. She admitted she knew that he’d go to jail and it was her word against his. He already had been painted in a bad light and we didn’t get the help from police that we asked for. He felt great impending doom… like there was no way out. He was wrong! He was a 16 year old Godsend and I would do anything in the world for him…. as I would Jazmin.
HE NEVER would hurt a fly! He is still my son, you know. He’s been my shining star for 17 years. When you insult ME, you insult HIM. Your opinion isn’t going to bring him back to me. Count your blessings. Put your energy where it will lift someone up, not rip them down.
Now, I ask you this, [Lady], What if I had kept fighting the docs, counselors, etc etc and REFUSED him recommended treatment? What if THEN, he killed himself? Who’s fault would it be then? It would still be MINE wouldn’t it? At least in your eyes.
So I guess all I’m trying to say is that to even INSINUATE that I am to blame… It really does hurt my feelings. It also hurts the kids feelings too. I ask you please, to stop. Let it go… as you do not know the whole story.
Thank you for listening (this will never be seen, I’m sure, but I had to get it off my chest somehow). I know you don’t mean to hurt people. Just letting you know that it does.
Niccole”
Post Your Comments - click here
1 Comment
-
And btw… I forgot to mention that your comment of “He was probably dead inside from it” etc etc blah blah… ignorance… very rude.
When Taylor had his arm around me as he got the most devastating news he had ever had… on top of months of absolute torture, patience, strength, adrenaline induced stamina, and endless struggling… and he was filled with tears… that was not “dead inside”
When Taylor told me he knew that I loved him and he loved me… days before he died… and could name all those who have continuously been there for him… he was not “dead inside”
When I ran into town at about 7ish, the night before he died. He held the hand rail and the bottom of the stairs as I told him I’d be right back. He looked up at me with tears and talked about his “support list” or what we now call “the YAY team”. He said he was calling them. He was doing what he needed to do. He was open and reaching out. He was not “dead inside”.
My son had feelings. He had very sensitive but strong feelings. He was a good boy… He was impulsive. He made a bad bad mistake. But he was not “dead inside”.
Taylor expressed his emotions through reaching out, talking about everything with us and his friends, having some tears, and venting his anger by chopping a piece of driftwood and breathing in the fresh air from the bay. He did all the right things. He was not “dead inside”.
Taylor isn’t a “subject”. He is my child. I love my child. Alot of other people who know us and what we are about.. they love my child too. He loved and was loved back…
Oh.. and his name is “Taylor”… not “Niccole’s kid”
Thank you again for listening… although you will never see this… I enjoyed the vent.
Comment by Niccole — April 23, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
Either I’m paranoid, or people actually think this….
I suppose it didn’t help when me and Doug were at a restaurant together the other day and got the surprise of our lives. A man that we both know walks up to us. I was on the phone with my cousin in Cali, Dawn. [The guy] knew her growing up too as he was neighbors with my Grandparents (RIP you two. I love you). So anyway, Doug is on the phone with her after he gets off and he’s getting all weird and waiting for Doug to get off the phone so he can “go jam tonight” and he was all riled up and laughin and trying to poke at him etc… I had to try and tell him to please be gentle. There’s something that just happened that you should know before you “go there” with Doug and get all in his face drunk and stupid.
Long story short, he was dumb enough to say what I’m guessing most people think. He said that I basically killed my own son and Hucks mom too because I got negative karma issues etc etc etc. Then he got in my face and Doug gets up asking what the heck was he saying. He bulldozed past me and threatened me that I had better not “jinx” him and his crew.
We never would have expected anything to come out of someone that we’ve known so long like that. But I dunno, we weren’t that close or anything so I didn’t know he was that big of an asshole. So after a while he comes back and asks me if he can apologize. I replied with, “For what, exactly?” He repeats, I repeat etc…. I’ll let someone apologize to me ONLY IF they can specify what the hell they are even sorry for. I don’t do empty promises, empty apologies, empty people….. no more. So anyway he turns to Doug, gives me the “talk to the hand” gesture, and says “Dude let’s go jam!” Doug’s like, “Do you REALLY THINK that either of us would CAUSE THIS?” He kept repeating to Doug, “Who cares, dude. Let’s go jam”… Doug keeps repeating the question, “Do you REALLY THINK THAT?” For God’s sakes, two boys lost the most prominent person in their lives. What a great friend for Doug to have anyway. One that doesn’t even THINK HE CARES about his sons future? One that thinks he wanted this… that I wanted this too?
It’s times like these I question my own sanity. But we get the most bizarre comments and things like that ALL the time.
One more person that we simply put on one of our two lists. The “YAY” team, and the “NAY” team…. He’s on the nay team now. He will get a nod, maximum, out of me. That is if I run into him again. Flat tire? Too bad. I got a spare. And I’m not giving it to you. Simple as that. No hate, no dwelling, just reminded that the world is truely a mystery to some people more than others.
So now I vented… and I walk away… water off a ducks ass.
But seriously, the question is…. Do people seriously BELIEVE IN BAD KARMA to that degree??? I still can’t sh*t a solid stool, let alone WILL someone to their death… just for kicks… just to watch two boys suffer like my son did? Like my daughter is? Like my stepson suffered? I actually think people DO believe that. I’m gradually tipping my toe into public again after 4 months of almost nothing. Lots of weird looks and all, but I’m seasoned enough to tell the difference just by the looks in their eyes.
People suck…. I’ll take time to post today about some people in our lives that have been priceless to us. They are on the “YAY” team through and through. Those seem to be the moments I cry most lately. At the beauty of loyalty and trust. Sincerity and grace. Friendship and understanding…. the qualities in people that are rarely found anymore it seems.
Just sorting this out in my mind today….
Post Your Comments - click here
3 Comments
-
Actually…. we just had a good laugh over a different perspective…. if we are so “cursed”, who did it? Did I spew bad karma? Did Doug do it? Maybe it was Jazzy… she has been wearing fingerless gloves you know (hmmm), or MAYBE it’s come from the chick who makes my espressos at the donut house… or let’s see… I know. The cat!!! We always say around here, “Boy, if Sugar could write a book”. Maybe she’s causing it. Maybe it’s the counselor! Yes there we go, job security. Uhm, or maybe the blue jays who are nesting in our tree have caused evil to take us over… I guess we’ll never really know will we?
Silly people please get over yourselves. Ridiculous
Comment by Niccole — April 23, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
-
Yay! We found a penny! All our problems are now solved.
Everyone can rest now, eh?Comment by Niccole — April 23, 2008 @ 3:56 pm
-
I really think Sugar is to blame, that no good lazy cat. Seriously though people need to think before they speak. What can you expect from such a close minded community that we live in. I love you guys!!
Comment by Marie — April 30, 2008 @ 7:47 pm
Quick update… “How’s Huck?”
It’s really hard right now to be in charge of calling people etc so I’ll give an update here. [edit… awesome, thank you R., perfect timing. He loves you so much.) We’re hoping that everyone else is doing good. We assume there’s alot of “resting” going on over there too.
So I hope this helps out for those who care and wonder how he is. He likes it and previews everything himself that I post here regarding him, as to ensure for others that what I’m saying is accurate. He likes to not have to explain “How he’s doing” right now. It’s too exhausting and he doesn’t need to be forced to deal with that.
So anyway, Yesterday school went well. Huk got questioned for the first time about his Mom. “Didn’t your Mom die?” He answered, “Uh yeah”. She responded with, “Well aren’t you sad?” He was taken aback and found it almost comical and responded with, “Uh yeah” as in like, “DUH”.
He hasn’t cried a ton, he’s a little bit lethargic by the end of the days, but he’s eating well and has an incredible attitude and wisdom about him that is really helping him slowly absorb all this. He hadn’t brought up his Mom very much up until last night.
Doug was wiped completely out by the time school got out so he was ordered to go take a long hot shower and relax. I took Huck and Jazmin to get some ice cream, we had a little drive and just quietly observed the outside world and how different everything seems and looks, and THEN we went to the 19th Hole. They had shirley temples, some appitizers, and played pool with avengence.
Huck started to drop little comments and questions about his Mom to me. Like that her favorite song was playing, little sayings that she had, and whatever else came up as it came up. We had smiles, the kids did some really amazing pool shots, and then Doug met up with us later on. By the last game we played, it took FOREVER. None of us could get a ball in a hole for the life of us. We all could only laugh about it. We’re all just so drained, we almost walk into walls and stuff like that. Short term memory is pretty shot too for all of us which makes functioning a little harder. But we all understand that it’s ok and we are normal people dealing with a very abnormal situation.
So… Nothing crazy goin on. No chaos, thank god. We got to just go home, plop on the couches together, relax, talk, watch tv, and get prepared for yet another day tomorrow.
How will tomorrow turn out? We never know. But we are doing really good and pacing ourselves and protecting ourselves from any extra stress. I hope this helps.
Post Your Comments - click here
1 Comment
-
I’m glad everyone is doing good, Huck and Jazzy and eveyone else. I know it must be a hard time right now but I know you all will make it through just fine. You are all VERY strong people.
Best wishes to all of you, and I hope things only get better. =)
Comment by MexiLacey — April 22, 2008 @ 5:29 pm
So… Huck just lost his Mom to suicide 6 days ago.
April 9, 2008 Sigh!!! Nice one eh? This is for anyone who is curious about Huckleberry and has heard the news… What an absolute tragedy. And emotions are running a little high for everyone involved… but just letting you guys know that everything with Huck is “stable”.
The phone hasn’t rang much because no one “knows what to say”, etc etc, we know the drill. Anyone who wants to call Doug and give him a little support by phone, it’s totally encouraged. He could use random friend support. He voiced he’d really like that several times. There’s no need to be scared, we promise.
So “How is Huck?” We are keeping him comfortable and protected… as we have been for the past several months. It’s as simple as that for now. The days are long and all four of us keeping low key, staying rested, eating good, drinking lots of water, listening to the kids needs on moment by moment basis, and closely observing at all times.
Back massages, frisbee, jump roping, bike fixing, eagle nest watching, watching simpsons, downloading songs, enjoying any humor we can grasp onto to its fullest, ya know… the usual… but very different now, obviously.
Now we wait… and we pray that both Jazmin and Huck continue to have a soft place to fall if and when they need… and that they have the freedom to do whatever feels right for them during the coming weeks and months. We will be right there for them, yet they will continue to have the freedom in our household to go at their own pace. No one is going to be telling them how they are going to feel or TELL them how they DO feel. That will not be limited to just this household. I hope that I make myself clear.
We are open, encouraging and honest with them. That isn’t going to stop. The kids cherish the trust we’ve built up with each other over the last year or so. Well I guess you could go back to July, 4, 2006… when two strangers met up for coffee. Boy oh boy, Doug, if we had any idea back then what we know now…. Taylor… then Samantha… Now Jaz gets to watch what it’s like to lose a parent right before her dad’s heart surgery. (NOT THAT WE’RE WORRIED!! NOR are the kids! As he is in the best hands in Washington state, the chief, himself.) But I think you get my point. These two kids are no dummies. They’ve been forced to learn that things can take a sudden turn. A harsh reality that most adults don’t even “get”.
*RIP Samantha. We picked a wall that will be just for you. If Huck is still up to it later this evening, we were going to do some work on that. Or we’ll plop on the couch and let him plan out all his crazy ideas. He’s so creative, I can only imagine what he’ll come up with. It should be fun and rewarding, and not too exhausting.
Whoops!!! Phone just rang. Huck went to Grandpa Butch and Gramma Lin Lin’s house while Doug hit Safeway after picking him up from school. I guess he managed to con him into taking him to Chuckie Cheese! Now there we go… Nice job Huck, Jaz just hooked up with her dad too. It looks like me and Doug are gonna collapse on the deck and just breathe.
Over and out…
Post Your Comments - click here
1 Comment
-
Hey guys, it’s Krazy Aunt Laura here … great posts here, Niccole, so awesome to share with everyone what’s going on and keep things out in the open. Obviously, I’m a proponent of healing and strength thru writing ….
Huckle, you’re gonna come across a lot of stupid people in this lifetime … sounds like that is super clear right now as kids at school just don’t know how to react — or they simply react without thinking. I always try not to judge and condemn others for what they do, and I try to believe that “everyone does the best they can” but it becomes easy to get pissed and give up on humanity when folks just don’t seem to use their heads. I am sure you will know when your friends and other classmates are truly concerned and when they truly care about you—even if they don’t know exactly the right thing to say …. you’ll open up and talk with them if and when you feel it’s right. you’ll always make good decisions for yourself, i’m sure of it.
Over the past year I have seen what amazing kids Jaz and Huck are — my gosh, how do you get to be that smart so early in life? Actually, I have known since Huck was born, when i first met him when he was about four months old (because i lived in new york at the time) that he was a wise, old soul. You could see it in his eyes, and my favorite pictures of him — like the one I copied for you on Sunday — are ones where you just see that glimmer of knowing. What a beautiful little dude you are, Huckle. I am so lucky to have you in my life. And it’s so clear that Jaz has an almost unreal wisdom and strength as well … Jaz, I am so glad you are a part of our family too. I hope you and I will get to know each other better and better with each passing visit and email and whatever else. And guys — don’t forget that even strong people break down and cry and even strong people need to take a break and be alone or be together or be whatever feels right for them. I would even say that *because* strong people are so wise and strong, they periodically need to pause and gather up more strength before going thru another day. don’t be hard on yourself, that’s all i am saying.
I told Doug and Niccole in a text today that my slogan for this spring and summer is Keep Joy Alive. it is something that came to me while driving home from Anacortes. I lost one of my best friends almost two years ago, and I have known without a shadow of doubt that she wants me to be living… she wants me to smile and love and experience things and take care of those who matter to me. i think back to times when she was most alive and most vivid and beautiful and full of spirit, and i try to honor her by being those things myself — to carry on her light. Without knowing Taylor anywhere near as well as I knew Samantha, I know they want us to find joy and to love each other and to make the most of the lives we have.
Now please note, this is not the same as ‘put a smile on your face’ or ‘keep busy’ or any of those sometimes well-meaning remarks (i do think it’s important to keep in mind that yes, sometimes people don’t know what to say … it’s true, we have to show them love and compassion as well —— even if they seem totally stupid). Keep Joy Alive is about finding joy where it is —- in a pool game, in a hot shower, in warm sunshine, in a great song, in a funny memory, in each other. It’s about remembering that it exists and we were born with it in our hearts …. and remembering that everyone on earth can work toward having it———–regardless of what we’ve lost or what hurts us or what is broken or sick or painful. Keeping Joy Alive ………a little bit every day, and always somewhere deep … somewhere small and hidden at the very least, in our hearts. It works for me. If it works for you, feel free to take it as your own and spread it around however you see fit. If it doesn’t fit you right, just pass on it and find your own truth.
I know how much I love my family, I know how strongly I believe in their knowledge, their trust, and their ability to heal. I know also that the pain will be with them forever, it burrows into every part of their mind and body and becomes a part of them — the way toenails and eyelashes are a part of them. It builds courage — what could they/we face that could be harder? — and it builds compassion — knowing how many others suffer in the same way allows us to see that we are never alone, and that the world can be healed if we open up to the love and shared-spirit that really is on earth and operating all the time…. some call that “God” …. what works best for me is to see God in each other …
I have a hard time being far away—-but Seattle really isn’t all that far. And yes I may work too much but I am always able to answer text messages if not phone calls right away, and lord knows I can fire off an email or a comment like this when the day is done ……….. I love thru words a lot of the time, so I hope you won’t mind reading them……
I love you Huckleberry and family — Huck, keep in mind what we mentioned about the next Family Fun center trip ….. i am quite sure we can keep joy alive on those bumper car/squirt gun boat thingies they had in that big giant pool …. har har. But really — -when school lets out for summer, eh??
xoxoxox
lcComment by krazy aunt laura — April 17, 2008 @ 7:20 pm
“So how is Jaz?”
“So how is Jaz?”, I hear people are wondering and it’s probably easier to write on here to give updates.
Jazmin is doing very very well considering the circumstances the past 3 months. Her father is going to be having open heart surgery any week now. He had fainted out of the blue while with family and was urged to get his heart checked out. He’s had a murmur all his life and he’s strongly resisted regular checkups so he was definitely due as it had been many years. Well thank god he went in because in the past 3 months, he’s had almost all of his tests and will be meeting the top surgical team in the state of WA this week. Angiogram is set for tomorrow. He is in great hands. But needless to say, she’s getting nervous, and the strain from the past several months or more has started to show itself in other ways.
I went to her conference at school last week and she’s pulling straight A’s and a B+. I couldn’t be more proud. Her “booksmart” side is still consistant as it has always been. She still has never broken a rule or been any sort of behavioral problem whatsoever… (YET!) I knock on wood. She is at “that age” and there is constant growth and adjustment aside from her challenging situation she’s in.
Her “spiritual wisdom” side is exploding in an extremely fantastic and healthy way. I am so blessed to have such a beautiful girl, inside and out, that cares about others and understands life’s ways. She understands that every moment is precious. She understands that bad things can happen to good people and it’s no ones fault. Our job is to be here and learn. She understands how our experiences and outlook on it all is what makes us what we are. Coping skills are within each one of us and we gotta do whatever it takes to keep that at a high, higher than the lows. She talks very openly with me, I think because she knows if she’s stumped with a problem or a worry, sometimes she’s too shy to face it. She knows I’m the exact opposite and I’ll take care of ANYTHING she needs and alleviate ANY amount of stress that I can for her. I have no issues with being bold and feisty, we all know that.
Right now, we are aware that she’s slipping into a bit of depression, but she can clearly see the physical symptoms and we acknowledge it regurlarly. That it’s ok. That we need to rest up. When we lose our motivation, focus, our faith in security around us, and even our weight loss (she’s lost at least 6 lbs), it’s because our bodies have weakened a bit. She had developed a bit of a “tick” too with squinting her eyes and some nerve twitches in her hand. Our body will kinda force us to “rest” if our minds fight it to hard. That’s kinda what’s happening. We’re going with it and continuing her counseling regularly. She’ll start seeing a med doctor soon as well so she can establish a good relationship with Doc Conway right away.
The worst part of the past 3 months is the timing of social ostracism she’s endured. The very day she found out her dad had to go for surgery, her two good friends kinda bailed on her and went their own way. She caught them several times talking behind her back where she couldn’t deny what was happening. She handled everything well though and her exact words, “I don’t have to trust anyone right now. If they want to be my friends, they will have to earn my trust back.” Wiser words could not be said. She’s forgiving, understanding, but she understands that we need to set boundaries for ourselves. People will treat us how we let them treat us. And it’s totally ok. It’s the way things go…. we can’t say we haven’t cried many tears over it though. It’s just another loss for her. I wish I could protect her from everything in the universe. I can only hold her hand and walk her through….
I love you Jazzy! Taylor is right with you wherever you go and he understands how you feel. And I know he’s so sorry. He never wanted to hurt you like this.
Rock on baby girl…
Hi Niccole,
I hope you and Jazzy are feeling the warm sun shining down on you today… Keep the faith.
Dave
Comment by Ranger Dave — June 23, 2008 @ 8:09 am