So it’s literally days away from school starting and I’m still unable to have visitation unless it’s supervised. No one can really supervise us as I’m living out of town and Todd wouldn’t approve of the friend I have up here. I couldn’t really understand why he was becoming more difficult rather than sympathetic throughout this whole deal. I figured maybe the pain drugs, etc from heart surgery were altering his common sense. Also, when you have an injury of that magnitude, it’s a scientific fact that the mind suffers from depression because all of the energy your body needs to heal, goes to the injury, and less energy to the brain.

CPS arranges for me, Todd, and Jaz to meet at my place. We had to agree that Jazmin continue school in Anacortes, at least for this year. So how were we to change the parenting plan? As it stood, I had Jazmin 8 out of every 14 days. So how about 4 days a week? Seemed fair. Todd wasn’t really comfortable with anything. He was kinda leaning towards HIM having custody of her and possibly using the current situation in his favor. Luckily, it wasn’t going to work that way because I refuse to have battles with my daughters dad, especially in the state he was in.

Come to find out, the state (I was on welfare for several months) had started taking money out of his account. In our divorce, many years ago, I agreed he would pay me $100.00 per month and I would match it. This was to basically to cover school clothes and that sort of thing. The state was very brutal to him. I had went to have a letter notarized with Todd stating that this was our agreement and they accused him of lying and thought that it wasn’t really me that signed the letter. Long story short, they kept messing with him so he was afraid of having to pay 600 a month or whatever it was if I were to have her even slightly more than him.

In front of the CPS worker, I told him he didn’t have to pay anything. I didn’t care. He still had no idea the magnitude of I just went through nor did it matter. I just needed to ease his mind that I want Jazmin, not his money. We agreed to 4 days a week. I wasn’t going to be able to pull this of initially because I still had a death mobile for a car, so severely vandalized, that I refused to drive all that way with her in the car. So all I could ask for is that I have her every single day (if she wanted, of course) that she was not in school. It actually ends up being more generous than the original plan. And he would be in charge of her during school time. Fair enough. Everyone agreed, including Jazmin. I also made it very clear that I do care about him as a person and as Jazmins dad. I have no desire to be “the ex”. I want us to both respect each other for her sake. I would never want anything bad to happen to him or for her to lose him.

My parents have been bringing her to me every weekend. I meet Todd halfway bringing her back. My car got reposessed November 17th. Me and Jaz cleaned any of our belongings out and I called them when I had a new vehicle to drive. It was a bittersweet goodbye, but I had missed payments since July. I obviously couldn’t fit a car payment and insurance into everything else that was going on. It was the last car that my son rode in. It was a place that I spent so much time in, the past year. Everyday, going for a drive with my coffee and crying my eyes out. Many times, screaming my lungs out and beating up my dash. I had broke almost everything within arms and legs distance of my seat. It was thrashed anyway and I owed too much. A hit to my credit is the least of my worries.

When D moved out, he was “kind” enough to throw a huge pile of mail, important paperwork, social security application, everything made out of paper, into a huge pile for me to sort through on the 2 days notice he had given me to leave. I had not been in charge of that sort of thing for several months so I had no idea when things were due, etc etc. I was very proud of myself that in my state of shock and terror I was going through, I managed to organize hundreds of papers and get all my necessities in order. I even got alot of baby pictures of Taylor which were cut up with scissors. Again, D? Psycho neighbor? Who knows, just get me out of here! I had what I needed to do, pay, and most important was the social security. If I couldn’t get that going, I’d have to work again. Work wasn’t an option because along with having no money, my computer had been ruined to the point it wouldn’t turn on. I questioned D about it at the end of June and the same answer, “I did nothing” and “Too bad”. Whatever… sigh…

Anyways, I was going to have to wait up to 9 months, they told me! I was unsure how I’d do it, but I was willing. I prayed every day, hoping that I could at least get an answer. Once they give you the answer, which could take up to 6 months, that’s where the 9 month waiting period comes in. I had no idea how I was going to swing this. The welfare office here was so wonderful to me. They gave me many resources but as far as housing, I could only pray. The waiting lists were far too long. I prayed and I prayed, not begging for money but with thankfulness for how far we had come and for the strenth me and Jaz were blessed with to not let this take us down. I could only have faith that everything was going to be ok.

One morning I got the call. Not only would I be receiving enough money for rent and leisure, but full state medical. After 2 years, I will recieve medicaid as well. My 6 month wait was only weeks. Very scary weeks, but only weeks! My prayers had been answered. At least now I knew I could count on SOMETHING for stability. I also learned that I would be receiving that amount for the months prior. All the way back to January 2008! Not just me but for Jazmin too! The chunk would arrive within the next 3 months, they said, and my benefits would start on October 1st! Holy shit is all I could say. I cried and thanked them so much.

Finally, life was giving us a break. I still had nothing but I was going to be able to have a normal schedule with Jazmin. I had a great place for her and I to stay, food on the table (yes I managed to aquire a table. A story for another day), and a soft bed to sleep in. What more does one need? We hold that attitude to this day. I plopped to the floor by Jazmins picture and Taylors picture. I just cried and cried. I picked up Taylors ashes and held them in my lap, thanking him for watching over me. I know he helped me through this. So many times I could feel him and I talked to him every day, alone in the apartment. I prayed to him and God for weeks to just please sit with me and get me through this for Jazmins sake. He never failed me or disappointed me when he was alive. And I know he’s there hugging me and supporting me with strength every single day.

Thank you Taylor… I cry as I finish this portion of the story. I will never forget you.

Next, miracles galore… Working again, freedom, bonding, joy, and change for the future in Washington state laws. A sudden abundance of resources, and I STILL don’t have my things from storage! lol… we are surviving. Nothing can break us now.

To be continued…..