So I begin to settle in, grateful for each passing day. I’m grateful I’m alive and that Jaz is ok. I’m grateful that her dad is recovering at a somewhat steady pace. I’m grateful that my dad was kind enough to finally bring me a few plates, a bed, some of my clothes, some silverware, cups, and a even my grandpas microwave. These items he brought me were of my Grandparents (RIP) and gave me such comfort, I can’t even express. I not only felt the warmth from my baby, but as the days went by, I grew a much higher appreciation for my grandparents. Not only on my mothers side, but my fathers side as well. Ironically, my Granda Maggie would be 101 years old today if she were stil alive. RIP to all 4 of them.

I had pretty much gotten used to eating with a spork out of washed out cream cheese containers. You should see the collection of “gladware” and other reusable, washable containers I got with my food stamps over the past few months. I also learned to rinse tin foil, scrimp on toilet paper, and always grab extra napkins whenever I went anywhere. I wasn’t having a hard time knowing what to wear over the months as I only had the original 3 outfits and a few other items. Thank god I bought those socks back in July when I got out of the rat cage and me and Jaz went to the mall. I’m still using them! Jazmin still enjoys eating cereal out of the container that you get lunchmeat in. She won’t let me throw those things away because to her, they’re like souveneirs. Little treasures that will forever remind us of what we have overcome. Reminders of what we have that some people don’t. Reminders that the only important things in life aren’t THINGS.

My angel who allowed me to stay in his condo, my dear friend from so long ago, I will always call him my angel, visited me whenever he could. We really enjoyed getting to know each other again and he’s taught me so much about “patience and perseverance”. One day when visiting him, I was expressing how nervous I was about meeting more birth family. I had made plans with my birth brother, Quinn, to go down to Portland CAMPING. Yes, I said it. CAMPING. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve never been camping. I prefer room service, a pool, and a magazine and I’m good to go.

Me and my other 4 birth siblings that I met exactly a year ago around the time of my birthday, were shocked to hear that their aunt Marilyn had died on August 8, 2008. Of all things, her daughter, Carrie, looked Quinn up in the phone book and there he was! Carrie and her sister were to be there along with a few other family members. They were dying to meet us all! They wanted to spread Marilyns ashes in the ocean and camp at the RV park across the street where she had spend so much of her life over the years. The owners were very familiar with her and they were more than happy to take great care of us through the trip.

Quinn suddenly texts me and says that he was really sorry. He was behind so much in money from some recent time he had missed of work, that he logically could not make it happen. The gas would kill him and we would have to just forget it this time. I originally was apprehensive but something struck me when he said “I can’t”. I just can’t accept that word anymore in our vocabulary. Since my praying seemed to be working so well, I hopped in the car and prayed my ass off all the way home. I really wanted to meet them. I knew how fresh their grief was, and I know it meant the world to Quinn to put our mother, Colleen, into the ocean with her only sister. Colleen died from suicide on my birthday, September 24, 2006. In my mind, we were MEANT to go. No ifs ands or buts.

I’m close to being home, and a man was standing there holding a sign, very close to my car at the stoplight. He was homeless and just had an air about him that I couldn’t shake. I could tell he wasn’t a crackhead. I knew he really needed anything he could get. You could tell he wasn’t used to being in that position. I figured I needed the karma on my side so I rolled down my window and gave him the only dollar I had on me. His expression of pure appreciation was indescribable. I apologized for not having more and told him I was just recently in his shoes and I totally understood. With a god bless you from him and from me right back, I left and continued praying the whole way home. Please let us be there for this rare event. They need us, and we all need them. I had already spoke to Carrie on the phone and we had hit it off like we’d known each other our whole lives.

I get in the door and immediately call Quinn. He was so bummed and he said he didn’t have any money at all. I told him I had food stamps. We could all at least eat with that. Even then, he was too broke at the time to get down there. I told him to hang on a minute while I checked my bank account. I wasn’t supposed to get any of the backpay money for 3-4 months but I thought I’d check anyway. Guess WHAT!! There was $6,000.00 deposited THIS MORNING! Holy shit is all I could say, once again. I told him to pack his shit. We’re going to Portland! He was shocked. We both were. So he packed up the tent and came to my place to get me. Jaz had arrived at the same time he did. We loaded up everything I had in my fridge and freezer, a few blankets and pillows and OFF WE GO!

Another really weird thing happened as we left the wooded area I’m in and get onto the freeway. We were passed by 6 or 7 cars that EACH had a cross hanging from their rear view mirror. Not that that matters but we all noticed it! Quinn said it was like we were being escorted.

Wow, what a long drive it was. We didn’t have time to contact Bruce or Eli. Not sure why that was. This was all so sudden. Me, Quinn and Jaz went and picked up my birth sister, Shandra and her daughter, Lily. We went straight there, got there quite late, and was so nervous. First person we see when we get out of the car was Cheryl, Marilyns other daughter. I am the one who looks very much like Colleen, our mother, so it was amusing how she kept hugging me and looking at me. She had always known about me by the name of Autumn. We all rejoiced, blabbered away, crashed, and prepared for scattering ashes of 3 people early the next morning when the tide was out.

It killed me to watch Quinn open that box of Colleen with a knife. He had never scattered ashes before. Cheryl was obviously just devestated, and Carrie was sad but in a different, more accepting way. Everyone else did pretty well. We all wrote memorials in the sand and scooped a bit of each of them from their containers. I cringed when I saw Quinn first toss ashes. As he had never done it before, he learned quickly to pay attention to the way the wind was blowing lol… We all cried, took pics, honored Marilyn, Colleen, and my Taylor and headed back to the camp site. It was very overwhelming and exhausting. We had a great rest of the trip getting to know each other. I will never forget. I can’t wait to see them all again.

As I sat alone 4 days later in the apartment, it was my birthday, September 24. I was so sad. Jazmin messaged me on msn messenger (yes,I also managed to fix my own computer thank god, yet agian). She had made the most beautiful video on youtube with a slideshow of our trip. I wish she wouldn’t cut herself out of the pics but I’m proud that she is stern about now wanting her pics in the videos she makes.

Jaz made my lonely birthday a bright ray of sunshine. Her video made me cry as I watched it over and over again. I couldn’t have asked for more. Patience, perseverance, and gratefulness. She’s learned it, now she lives it. We both live it. Bless her heart…

Next, October, the beginning of major changes in the future…

To be continued……