Now… with everything we have learned….

Since last April, which is where this series of blogs goes back to (might wanna click “older” if you want to go back that far), my head has been spinning. For eleven months of mental torture, processing, denial, acceptance, fury, rage, sorrow, and tremendous grief I didn’t know existed, there is now MORE to process. I’ve had to go back to those final moments from his point of view the best I can. That is the hardest part. How confused and terrified he was, how badly he hurt where his coping mechanisms had started to completely overflow, rather BURST, that morning of May 21, 2007. Now there’s more to the story.

I can’t even express how I felt initially when I heard that Taylor had been harassed, received death threats, and been lured in fraudulently just to be rejected yet again. It was all about rejection. Everytime he got close to anyone or anything in the final couple years, eventually it disappeared into thin air, and usually in a very harsh and sudden manner. He experienced so many scary moments as it was with the girlfriends parents and on top of it, he couldn’t even play a video game. He couldn’t socialize with other girls on myspace, as I had strongly urged him to do since his current situation was so unhealthy. His attempts to unwind and meet new people and play games turned around and stuck him right in the heart along with everyone else who contributed their part.

In the fall of 06, I tried to get help with some of the threats and harassment he was suffering with. My daughter was scared too and I was just totally pissed. We went to the Anacortes police department where officer O’Ryan would NOT let us in the door after waiting outside for nearly an hour in the freezing cold. This is why (God, I’ll never forgive myself for this) when he came to me begging me to call the cops in regards to online threats and such, I tried to make him toughen up and wait it out. If they won’t do anything about someone coming to our home to threated him, they certainly aren’t going to pay attention to a few emails.

Well, there is nothing I can ever do to bring Taylor back. I will never know exactly what happened in those final hours. I’ve even had very strong reason to believe that Taylor might have been physically harmed or frightened that morning. I won’t go into that in fear of retaliation. My girlfriend and I took several pics of things that were very suspicious in nature. I will look into some of these details further at a later date. I can’t handle much more than I”m already dealing with. There’s a bunch of things that just don’t look “right” to me. I did call the sheriff with my concerns and was completely blown off and called “a mother who isn’t dealing with the death of her son very well”. Whatever, at least it’s documented and my friend is my witness that I tried.

I still need to call the coroner again because “for reasons he could not explain”, Taylors autopsy pictures have been missing since day one. Also, the coroners report went into vivid detail about the length of his finger nails to the slight fluid in one lung due to a bit of a cold, but NOTHING about the huge lump on his forhead. The funeral home could hardly keep the makeup covering it. It was huge and there were probably a hundred people who can attest to the fact that it was there.

The whole investigation by the sheriffs department was botched. One of the female sheriffs told me directly that there is always a detective in a suicide case. Well there was not one. Dead kid, too bad, let’s do the paperwork and go take the mom to the ER and sedate her ass… Like another day at work for them.

Anyway!!! I can’t do anything about anything I’m not 100% certain of. So, for now, it will rest. But what I DO know for a fact, is that Taylor was a victim to cyberbullying at its extreme the last few weeks he was alive. They were going to “kill him” and “rape his sister”, etc etc etc… This isn’t mere childs play. This is a huge factor that contributed to his depression, anxiety, and fear. He wasn’t even safe at home from abuse. He didn’t come to me with this, as he knew I’d just make him turn off the machine. I had to find out months after he was dead.

Once I got through the April, May June, July, August, and September of inconvenient transition ex boyfriend abuse issues and got settled in my new place, I finally started to do more research on the laws in the state of Washington.

In 2007 a bill was passed in regards to cyberbullying or bullying by electronic device during school hours on school grounds. It’s crazy to me that it’s perfectly fine to harass, stalk, and threaten another person, especially a CHILD, and get away with it as long as it wasn’t done at school.

I emailed Tina Meier, Megan Meiers mom, God bless that woman, and she wrote back to tell me that she would do “anything she could” to help change the laws in Washington just as she did in Missouri which took effect on August 28, 2008. I can’t wait to talk to her on the phone. Well, I am nervous, yes, but we do plan on getting together after the holidays and she will help me with whatever knowledge and resources she has. I will inturn direct any of my resources and connections her way. This will truly be one one GOOD thing that can come out of all this daily pain. I love how she was the only one who addressed what I’m going through as “daily pain”. She knows EXACTLY how painful this is. Every hour, every minute.

As of yesterday, look what’s already happening. 7 people charged with cyberbullying The laws in Missouri in precious Megans memory are bringing justice to those who think the law doesn’t pertain to them as well as deterring others from thinking they can freely hide behind a keyboard in order to torment others. I know Megan is very pleased with the changes that are being made. And, if I know my Taylor, he’s probably following her around trying to ask her out! lol…

It’s about time something can be done. Everyones answer is “The parents should monitor their childs internet usage more.” or “Just take the computer away.” Why is it that innocent teens be punished and taken from socializing online over a few predators out there that try to ruin it for them. Why not pick out the bad apples and let things progress as they may.

There have been laws in place for prank calling for years. No one back then said, “Ground your child from the phone if they are victim to prank phone call threats.” Laws were made and from that point on, taken seriously, as they should. Time for legislature to catch up with technology. Look out Washington state. 2009 things are going to change.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYaWNYXpBis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seOQyMvG99w

With Christmas time being right now, I want to share just one thing that Tina said to me that brought me to tears. She said, “Maybe one day there will be a holiday when we can all smile and not feel like we have to smile so that everyone else around us thinks we are doing okay, but that we are really doing OKAY!”

And with that, Happy Holidays to everyone. And thanks for your support throughout these difficult times. You know who you are. We will do our best to make the most out of the love we have for each other and the blessings we are grateful for every single day.

Love you guys,

Niccole and Jaz