I woke up extremely early this morning unable to go back to sleep. Me and Jaz had a talk last night about some of the bizarre things that happened which resulted in the confusion, fear, and hell we experienced throughout last summer while we were trying to grieve, deal with her dads heart surgery, and move with nowhere to go. It got my mind buzzing for about two and a half hours. I kept recalling every bizarre unexplainable incident.

I get so mad at myself and upset when I think about the whole propane incident, the way D had spouted towards me and Jaz over and over while we were trying our best to cope and get out of there, the secret bank accounts he had created, the funeral and bill money that was donated to us which he paid his bills off with behind my back, and the ways in which he slowly turned every friend, family member, and even my counselor against me towards the end so that I would have no support and everyone would think I was crazy and distance themselves when I really needed help the most.

I recalled the time where Jazmin came into our room late at night. Things were bad and we were in the process of breaking things off and figuring out what to do already. She had tremors in her torso that were involuntarily shuddering over and over. She sat on the edge of the bed and I felt her. I couldn’t believe it. I turned to D to show him too. Me and Jaz were both completely floored when he jumped up and screamed “Stop hitting me!!!” We were both like WTF no ones hitting you. Jaz reminded me just last week that after that, we had found recording equipment in my closet.

The other unheard of reaction from him happened when I had Jazmin at the dentist and we were on the way home and her dad was going to meet us at the house to pick her up. He had his girlfriend driving so this was early June after his surgery. I called the house to make sure D wasn’t there and poor Jaz was bleeding out of her mouth extra bad and the laughing gas had her all loopy and almost sick. He yelled at me and threatened to call the cops if either one of us showed up there. I couldn’t convince either way about it. He just snapped and threatened me. I met Jazzys dad at the church to exchange her and we agreed not to tell him. Later, I found his recording equipment from his old studio in the basement room fully wired up the wall, across the ceiling and into Taylors room with a double phone jack behind his dresser. I called the cops but they wouldn’t do anything.

This all has boggled my mind and has been hard to process over the past 6 months on top of everything else I have had to deal with. I couldn’t figure out how a human being could be so cruel and go to such lengths to sabatoge me. Why not just break up and move on without causing harm where there was already so much harm done? How could I have protected Jazmin better? Why would no one believe me? Why would no one help us?

I had to call D about a month ago and warn him to not wave to Jazmin or even look at her ever again. I also called him because SOMEBODY messed up my email account I used to use for my Parents of suicide support group. In December, I really could have used it, but again, it was ruined. I finally got him to admit his fear of the neighbor guy who was threatening to kill us and harassing us the whole time. He admitted to just getting out of there and did not care at the time of our safety, just his own. Well, I guess I wasn’t paranoid and delusional afterall. He knew I was in danger and it was a big “So what”. That’s that.

I often wonder if his family has any idea of what Jazmin went through that last month or so. Both the kids had to pull him off me one morning when I woke up to him with his forearm pressing on my throat and his fist in the air. That was followed by him running down the stairs screaming and me going after him in a frantic which resulted in me falling over the ledge about 20 feet onto my shoulder and neck and suffering a few bruised and cracked ribs. He left me there and the kids were horrified. That’s pretty much the last I saw of his son but my poor daughter had to see alot more than that in the following month of scurrying to get out of there.

I have beat myself up so badly over all of that, that sometimes I can’t sleep at night. I couldn’t protect my son and I could hardly protect my daughter from hurt. I couldn’t make sense of it all. My skills of being able to tell what another person was capable of were completely skewed to the point no one believed when I DID try to ask for help. It was always, “Who would do something like that?” followed by, “I know! I never saw this coming!” and then total rejection.

Well, today, at 6:30 am as I”m mowing over it all again, I was finally able to get back to sleep. I can’t explain how this happened, but I had a very intuitive and soothing dream. I never have dreams about D at all but this time I did. I could see things from a different perspective. My parents were in it. My old cat, creampuff, and my old dog, Trixie were in it. Also, Lindy, my brothers old dog was in it too.

It would take me forever to explain the details, but let’s just say I woke up with a sense of peace. I woke up with a renewed ability to “let it go”. I know that I tried everything I could when I would see some of the mild incidents happen with him. I could always sense it coming in the beginning. I did my best to try and make him see what was happening and change it around with a bit of anger control. From embarassing angry blurting at someone on the road or a restaurant, to the extreme horror of him beating up the dog. (That was the WORST). I NOW know that this was not my fault. I KNOW that this was totally out of my control. I also got the “message” that his family is or will be able to help him somewhat and not keep going with their heads in the sand like everything is ok. What we experienced was there before I came along and is there afterwards. They aren’t my lessons to learn. They are his.

I feel like I’ve been held back from proper healing over the loss of Taylor. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much time that I really needed to properly grieve and to do fun things with Jaz at the same time. I’ve felt so cheated. I’ve had six months to hide out in the woods and pull myself together at rock bottom with nothing. I’ve had days and weeks of pure silence to rest my insides, meditate, and heal. I’m finally at a point where I can forgive MYSELF and I’m getting some energy back now. I’m healthier than I’ve been for a long time. Jazmin is thriving better than she has in a long time. Me and her dad are doing great with our new schedule and everything is fair and routine. Jaz loves the new place I live in and we are so fortunate that things turned out the way they have.

I just want to say thanks to my Grandma and Grandpa (RIP) who I know are watching over me. I know they sent me that dream last night and I never would have thought that the inner guilt that I was still suffering from could actually be released and gone. I didn’t even realize how much I was beating myself up on the inside. It is GONE… I feel so much relief. I love you guys and I know you and Taylor are with me all the time. I feel like alot of “static” has just disappeared. I’m able to continue with this journey to healing and to create our coming days, years and our future.

We are safe now. We are no longer alone.