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Today reminds me of that day…. All drizzly out and dreary. I wish I had known that would be the last of us 3…. I miss you Taylor. I’m losing my mind more and more every day. I am almost dead inside at this point but it seems to serve as some sort of protection… I’m not sure I’m so “strong” as people say. I feel like a volcano. Getting used to the boiling deep down in my chest. I am close to numb from this excruciating pain. It’s pure physical pain…. It never stops. It’s not fair.
I sit here at the computer trying not to cry so Doug doesn’t jump up and come over here. I just cry inside and blankly stare at the screen. Wondering, what am I supposed to do? What the hell am I supposed to do now? I’m tired of counting the hours before I can sleep again, starting the moment I wake up. Everything is in slow motion and just agonizing every moment. I am going crazy inside and I feel like I gotta stay hidden so I don’t drive everyone crazy too.
You could have had so much fun this summer. The beach would have taken on a whole new life once the sun started shining again. You could have been driving a car by now. You could have been working. You would be getting ready for school. We would have gone to the mall and I’d be so proud of the shirts you pick out. I loved your style. Except your shorts hanging off your butt. I’m wearing the swim trunks you gave me this winter. I’m not sure if I said thank you. I hadn’t worn them yet.
I wonder so often if you tried to say goodbye last winter in such subtle ways…. hmpphh well I’m gonna go out in the rain and read some more… escape, internally meditate, try to calm my insides.
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