I can get this off my chest too… A couple days ago, I ran into a dear friend who lost his son quite some time ago. We’ve been dying to catch up so we had a great convo…

Somewhere in there, we brushed upon the recent coroner reports I got. While referring to the toxicology report, I voiced to him that I was glad that no one can dishonor my son in that department anymore. There were no drugs or alcohol in his system whatsoever. His hair was 3 and a half inches long so that’s like 7 months worth of proof. My friend nodded in understanding as he, himself, has been subjected to the pain it causes when people say things that are untrue and unfounded about your child. Especially your deceased child.

Right then, a lady interrupted with “Well blah blah something about zoloft etc etc”. I said, “Uhm, yes there was zoloft because that is what I was advised to do years ago. I fought it and fought it with counselors, doctors, etc etc the whole time. It’s not like I didn’t watch him like a hawk on it. Well at the end, his depression turned more towards panic disorder because of the fear he was living in. It escalated to the point where he begged his doctor for a chest xray (Which I recently picked up from the hospital. I’m so glad I can see his heart whenever I want to). His doctor stepped up his dose from the recommended starting dose he had been on for years… to the dosage that was a standard increase across the board. Trust me, I’ve been all over this and information of ALL KINDS have been studied and absorbed.

All I can say to that…. is

“Dear Lady,

Since you are so educated on the manner… Wait, do you have any education in the matter? Hmm, I thought not. Anyway, I blame myself for every aspect of everything already. It almost has eaten me alive. I really try to fight doing that. I don’t want the kids to blame themselves for things like this. I don’t want them to hear ONE WORD on the playground from families who blame ME and talk about it in front of their kids. We really don’t need this.

There are things that happened to Taylor near the end that were even worse than originally thought. More reasons to fear his life and/or going to jail. There were accusations made… threats… bullying… Later we did find out that the person in question openly admitted she had lied. She simply knew of Taylors troubles with the terrorizing from his girlfriends parents. She admitted she knew that he’d go to jail and it was her word against his. He already had been painted in a bad light and we didn’t get the help from police that we asked for. He felt great impending doom… like there was no way out. He was wrong! He was a 16 year old Godsend and I would do anything in the world for him…. as I would Jazmin.

HE NEVER would hurt a fly! He is still my son, you know. He’s been my shining star for 17 years. When you insult ME, you insult HIM. Your opinion isn’t going to bring him back to me. Count your blessings. Put your energy where it will lift someone up, not rip them down.

Now, I ask you this, [Lady], What if I had kept fighting the docs, counselors, etc etc and REFUSED him recommended treatment? What if THEN, he killed himself? Who’s fault would it be then? It would still be MINE wouldn’t it? At least in your eyes.

So I guess all I’m trying to say is that to even INSINUATE that I am to blame… It really does hurt my feelings. It also hurts the kids feelings too. I ask you please, to stop. Let it go… as you do not know the whole story.

Thank you for listening (this will never be seen, I’m sure, but I had to get it off my chest somehow). I know you don’t mean to hurt people. Just letting you know that it does.

Niccole”