May and June 2008

To sum up these two very difficult months, which still to me is so very bizarre how and why, etc. I will do my best.

Things following Samanthas death were extremely difficult. She hung herself in a jail cell after suffering from torment (I realize now), homelessness, depression, and alcohol use. Her life took such a drastic turn and D never broke up with her properly. He also sabotoged her and turned key people in her life away from her by lying and misinformation. I suppose this was a way to get her to go away and never come back. She struggled immensely and it didn’t need to be so bad for her. I realize now the tactics D used on her only because he used the same ones with me. I’ll explain that more later but for now RIP Samantha. Me and Jazmin pray for you and your son all the time. We now understand how difficult you had it. You were not a bad person, just enraged by something you couldn’t understand. None of us can understand the sick behavior and abuse that was thrown your way. Everyone was made to believe you were crazy. We know you were not…

With that being said, the bizarre, scary, breakup and transition begins. Not to mention Jazmins difficult time facing her dads open heart surgery. God bless that girl.

D seemed to go completely mentally downhill and dragged the rest of us with him. At one point, I had a talk with Jazmin outside and said to her, “At what point do we just give up and leave?” She replied, “Never”. I asked, “Why?” She said “Because I love D and he’s just going through a hard time. We can handle this”. **LONG story short** We had the same talk. She was ready. Disappointed, worn out, tearful, but knew we had to get the hell out of the situation.

We were struggling with the trauma she had just been through. She not only had to help care for a boy who just lost his mother (She didn’t HAVE TO. She enjoys being there to help others in any way she can. Plus, we obviously understood the pain that the boy was going through). She then, had to face her father being wheeled into the operating room for a rare, open heart surgery. She understood the seriousness of this no matter how much the family tried to say “Everythings gonna be ok”. As she said goodbye and hugged him one last time, she tearfully explained to me how she felt a teardrop fall from his eye and onto her hand. She felt the reality of the fact that she may not see him ever again. Jaz knows what reality truly is and this was a very emotional time for her.

The weeks following her dads surgery were very delicate. She spent time with him at the hospital and she spent some time back home with me. I am still very deeply hurt and disgusted by the way she was disregarded during these emotionally trying weeks. Unfortunately her time spent with me included such harsh stone cold words and demeanor from D. She would not leave my side at all and when he was there, every word said towards me or her was mean, cold, and inhuman. At one point, I’ll never forget, he said “Fu*k Todd (her dad). What’s HE gonna do?” I spent alot of time during this transition trying to gently convince him to be less cruel in front of Jazmin. That never happened. She suffers alot of hurt over the memories of this period of time to this day. He saved those actions for us, no one else though. At least his son didn’t have to see it.

The very first night we would be spending alone in the house, was the night of 8th grade graduation. I did not know that it was, or I would have made an effort to see Taylors brother that night. D hid this information from me. Upon getting out of the car that evening with Jazmin, I was approached and threatened physically by a neighbor that D had angered in the past by pulling a baseball bat out of his truck at the man. Anyways the man was very angry, and warned me very harshly not to call the cops on him. Jazmin was quite a ways away from me as our pathway to the house is very long. She had my keys. I told her to go inside and she was frozen stiff and watching intently as the man was within arms distance of me. She quickly unlocked the car from the keychain in case I needed to jump in. It was that frightening. I convinced the man that I wanted no trouble. We were moving out, etc etc and I just want to be left alone. He left, blurting out a few more threats and how my life was about to be very troublesome and dangerous basically.

Jazmin called D quickly as she got into the house slightly before I did. She told him how we got threatened and how he said never to call the cops, etc. She looked up in horror at me and said, “Mama, he’s calling the cops and hung up on me!” We booked it out the door, jumped into the car, and took off. We went towards La Conner, not knowing what to do. I called D and said for him to call 911 back and cancel immediately. He bantered some harsh, stone cold words while in the midst of being with his family at 8th grade graduation and hung up. I called back again and asked if he did it. He replied with, “I told them it was a dumb 10 year old girl who don’t know what she’s talking about.” and hung up. Jaz was in the car with me and could hear everything he said. I couldn’t apologize enough to her. This was the beginning of many days and night of sheer terror with no where to go and no one to help us.

We spent the following days packing boxes in the house, too afraid to go outside unless we were quickly running to the car. I spent my nights awake, hovering over Jazmins bed, watching her sleep while listening to threats and yelling from the angry neighbor. I still don’t know for sure if D supported what he was doing, didn’t believe me, or even perhaps encouraged the guy to be this way to us. Or maybe the guy was just nuts. Either way, any time we called him to beg him to stay with us, or even come out at all, or just to express our fear of what was happening day to day, the only response I’d get was, “Too bad” or “Who cares” or “So what”. When I’d ask how he could become so cruel for no reason at all, the response was always the same and is probably to this day… “I did nothing”.

We threw our hands in the air, prayed together, tried to relax together, and hang in there the best we could. I still had no idea how or where I would bring all of our belongings. On June 28th, Taylors birthday, D informed me ever so harshly that we could not stay at the house for a month like he led us to believe. We had two days to get everything we owned out of there. I had no money. I had no truck. I had no friends (see the story from April) and I was really starting to question whether I was gonna make it out alive. I took at bath that night, lit two candles, one for Samantha as well as Taylor, and my prayers starting becoming more desperate and ever so powerful for strength and understanding. Why was this happening? Why like this? Jazmin was safe at her fathers house that night. I could hear the yelling and the threats outside as I fell asleep that night wondering, “Is this going to be the night that my life might end?”

So between June 28th and July 1st, me and Jaz did more packing. I was so desperate and we had been abandoned completely. We were unable to tell her Dad any of this because he was in the early stages of recouperation from his heart surgery. The last thing we could do is upset him in any way. D knew that too. It was very cruel to put her through this. Now we understand what Samantha went through. It came to a point where I had to do the unimaginable. I had to call my ex boyfriends best friend in desperation. I had to finally ask for help. I finally had to accept that no one was there for me. No one was there for us. I was about to be living in my car in the summertime, scared for my life. He flew up as he could tell that I was in the worst shape I’ve ever been in my life. I couldn’t begin to properly or rationally explain all I’ve written plus all the more that I didn’t even mention here. All he knew is that I’ve been through hell and he wanted me to get better.

My dear friend said he would hire movers and get my stuff to a storage unit. That would be a very good start. He accompanied me to the counselor within an hour of him arriving. He had spoke with Darlene prior to flying up. She broke the confidentiality agreement and told him things that D had told her. That is another story to be told in the next blog. D told Darlene, my counselor, so many outlandish terrible things, that she decided to have me involuntarily committed to a mental hospital. She gave me the chance to have dinner with my friend, and say goodbye to my home, where my son breathed his last breaths, and go to Mt. Vernon hospital. If I did not agree to 3 days, she would call the cops on the spot. I had no choice but to agreee to it. Supposedly they would take care of me, help me find a place to live, and support me with my grief and my traumas I was currently going through. So, I did it. What the heck right?

July 1, 2008, dinner, comfort, goodbye to Jaz, support, and I’m on my way to Mt. Vernon. Me and Jazmin finally thought we would both get the help we so desperately needed. You won’t believe the series of events to follow.

To be continued….