NEW!! - Healing Forum/Discussion Board

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linda cardellini

Easy to use discussion board where you can post your comments and reply to other's messages in a public forum. (replaces the old guest book)

If you or someone you know is a suicide survivor, please visit.


April fools day… Taylor, I remember when…

posted by: Niccole,  April 1, 2009 @ 5:20 pm

I remember when we were at the old house and you wanted to prank Gramma real good. I woke up this morning thinking about it, sharing it with Jazmin, and crying my heart out. I wish you were here. You were so hilarious all the time.

You asked me if you could get Gramma real good so of course, I’m all over that. You had your girl buddy call and tell her she was pregnant and act like she was crying and all this stuff. The laughter that rolled through the house, omg, I’ll never forget. Gramma called me within SECONDS, “Do you know what I just heard?” She was irate!! I couldn’t let it go on any further without laughing and you were laughing for the rest of the day. She was very relieved everything was ok but she was so pissed at you! Not really mad pissed, but laughing kinda at herself and loving you and your weird humor.

I miss you baby boy. I can’t believe there will be sooooooo many April fools days in my future and you won’t be here to be funny with me. I don’t feel so funny anymore. I can put on the act, but it’s not the same without you.

RIP Taylor, I’m so sorry

Jazzy had an intense dream last night… woke up and typed it out immediately

posted by: Niccole,  March 31, 2009 @ 4:33 pm

I have urged her to keep a dream journal. I wish I have kept up on it too…. but this is from this morning. Poor baby girl has been through so much. I do believe Taylor comes to her this way… to us. Not very often but when it happens, there is no doubt, especially to Jaz. She knows.

“at grandma/papa’s house, doug was about to come over to talk to grandma and papa and he couldn’t know we were there so grandma rushed me and erik into the bedroom (grandma’s) and i don’t know where moma went but me and erik were in there and we had to be quiet and duck down if people came by the window. later, two people came by the window (i did’nt know them), a lady and a man, and the lady saw me. she called my name and i sat up because i knew she already saw me. then we ‘appear’ outside & the lady gets in a fight with someone, i don’t remember, and starts shooting at them with a paintball gun or something. then we (me, erik, moma, maybe grandma/papa, & apparently taylor) go inside through the back door (the layout is a little different) and sit down.

grandma says, “doug, now niccole’s going to talk to you.” and moma said, “oh yeah, i wanna hear this.” moma’s sitting on the floor by the couch (to my left) and taylor is sitting by her, in front of me. then, it hits me, taylor’s dead. he looked so stressed because of doug, he was sitting on his knees and running his fingers through his hair while sighing. i then walked towards him, tearing up, with my arms held out because i wanted to hug him. we both (or just me) start crying hard and the look on his face before he hugged me, a look with so much care and concern, just kills me that i won’t be able to see that face again. we hugged really tight and i kinda had a flashback thing, i don’t really remember. i never really hugged taylor when he was alive. but this, was so enjoyable that i can’t even really think of a word for it.

then the dream ended, i woke up and started to cry.

i love you taylor, always.

Doug! Leave us alone! I mean it!

posted by: Niccole,  March 29, 2009 @ 10:12 pm

OK, now it has been brought to my attention that the last picture ever taken of Taylor is NOT IN THE GALLERY ANYMORE! You are very very LUCKY that Jazmin had it saved on her computer… VERY lucky!

I am not stupid. I know that you have access to the gallery through your script. Sure, it was a pic of him and Huk but you can’t just go and delete things of this website. It is MY website where I have stored the small amount of pictures and memories that I have. LEAVE IT ALONE.

I have not tried to contact you, bother you, respond to your horrible and sick attempts to push my buttons. I don’t even live in the same town as you. You have caused so much fear and damage to my daughter. We are trying to heal from the hell you put us through all summer long. LEAVE US ALONE!

If you need something removed from the website, send an email and it will be done. Do NOT take it upon yourself to remove priceless things such as pictures. I did not have a copy burned. You have already stolen and damaged many of my dead sons things which is absolutely disgusting. LEAVE US ALONE!

I do not have the time or energy to deal with you anymore. LEAVE US ALONE. My poor Taylor is in heaven watching over us and nothing is going to get to us so give it up! He’s also watching you and I’m sure he’s very disappointed in how you’ve conducted yourself.

Nine months since you’ve seen my face and you’re still at it. Give it up!

Everything is so clear to me now what you did to Samantha. If you did HALF of what you did to me to her, IT’S NO WONDER SHE KILLED HERSELF. You can try all you want to make me out to be crazy like you did to her with everyone who knew her. After all, you do this kind of things when no one is around to witness. The fact of the matter is, your son doesn’t have a mother and it is because of YOU.


RIP Chelsea Anderson…

posted by: Niccole,  February 13, 2009 @ 10:41 pm

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I knew this day would come someday. My parents tried to prepare me when I was just a young girl. But now the time has come and I am in total shock. I got the sad sad news today that one of my best friends in the entire world, Chelsea Anderson, has passed away and gone to heaven.

I met Chelsea when I was 8 years old. She was a bit older than me but appeared much younger. She had a condition, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. She was diagnosed when she was 2. Her grandparents, Vance and Wanda were our next door neighbors and very close family friends all of our lives.

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I’ll never forget when I heard the news that the family would be moving to Anacortes from Neah Bay. We were so STOKED. We would be entering the 7th grade together and it was going to be a blast! I wasn’t the slightest bit worried about her “fitting in” or whether kids would stare or think she was different. In my world, she was my friend and I’d stick up for her till the end. She was in my PE class. She didn’t have to participate but she’d sit by the stage and enjoy watching me hating PE. I’d blow her shit about it and she would laugh at me while she did her papers etc. She never really seemed to mind watching everyone run and jump and play. That’s what I admired so much about her.

We’d often walk to the hospital after school and go to her physical therapy sessions, buy up all the jolly ranchers in the gift shop when we waited for her gold shots, and come to my house for some Mtv, crude jokes, and many bouts of pure laughter. I loved when my parents would toss us some cash and we’d walk all the way to McDonalds and back. We’d stop at Commercial Market along the way and raid the candy counter. Sometimes we’d flip people off that were driving by if they dared to stare at us.

I remember almost getting kicked out of the movie theatre watching Pet Cemetary because we were laughing so hard and couldn’t stop. I remember watching “faces of death” while eating pizza rolls and spitting out the chewed up remains of our snack because it was so gross. I remember driving my dads truck, just her and I listening to pink floyd driving the loop road at washington park. I remember making “super dooper sandwiches” and stuffing our faces till we almost puked. I remember catching tad poles over at the middle school swamp. I remember shoplifting outliner pens (remember those?) and writing on a car at he pool. We heard a “hey you!” and I swear to God, Chelsea ran across the street, jumped across the sidewalk and sprinted, yes SPRINTED across the field and down the hill by the tennis courts and I COULDN’T KEEP UP. That was amazing.

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I remember, we were like 10, when she had part of her hip bones put into her feet at Seattle childrens orthapedic hospital. She had a walker and two casts on her legs. One day, We had an uncontrollable laughing spell. It took forever for her and her walker to get in her grandmas house to find that it was occupied! We booked it to my house and got in and both ours were occupied. OMG, we thought, still laughing so hard. She kept saying she was going to pee her pants. So we got back in at her grandmas and she got to the bathroom door and… you guessed it. Right down her casts! Omg we laughed and laughed at that for years to come. It wasn’t so great at the time but she was so brave and life was so wonderful to her that she was able to keep her chin up through almost any situation.

She had a very contagious laugh that I will always hold dear to me. Her resiliance and strength taught me alot in my younger years. Skills that I would take into my teenage years and beyond. Her light hearted spirit will forever be a part me. She stood by me through thick and thin. We prank called the fire department together. We got into a car wreck on graduation day together. She stood by me through the birth of Taylor 10 days after graduation. And she was there for me when I put him to rest last year. I could go on and on and on. II will never forget her.

Chelsea, I am so glad that we got to talk this last summer. I know you were suffering from depression and your knees were losing their screws. I thoroughly enjoyed our 3 hour phone call and I am even more glad to have run into you at the doctors office before I was forced to move out of town. My mother and I were just talking about you last weekend. She said she saw Megan and that she mentioned you hardly came out of your room. Now that I had a car that was running and I had got back on my feet again, I was going to come see you. In fact, I sent a facebook message to the captain of Jakes boat just YESTERDAY hoping to find him so I could find out exactly how you were doing before contacting you.

Chelsea, I want you to know that you were a true inspiration to me. If it weren’t for your strength and perseverance throughout the years, I don’t know how I would have handled the unimaginable this past year. I have always admired you, loved you, and held you dear. You are not just a friend or a best friend to me. You are like my sister I always wish I had. With that being said, everytime I hear Bon Jovi, Violent Femmes, Poison, and the like, I will shout to the heavens, “Rock on, sister!”

Now run, girl, run run RUN with God. Run with Taylor. Jump and frolick with your grandma and grandpa Anderson. You are no longer in pain. You are no longer limited. I now have yet another angel that I know will always be watching over me and my family. I will never forget the last words we both said to each other…. “I love you”

RIP Chelsea Dawn Anderson

Facebook survivors of suicide group

posted by: Niccole,  @ 12:53 pm

Description: This group is intended for people who have lost a child, sibling, friend, or any other loved one from suicide. The anguish we feel and the continued question, “WHY?” can haunt us and debilitate us if we are forced to process something like this alone.

Losing a loved one to suicide is different from any other loss. It is the mother of all tragedies. The death is very sudden and often violent. The road we travel trying to come to grips with what happened can take a lifetime.

On top of the death, the loss, the pain, we suffer a secondary trauma. We are often ostracized, blamed, judged and the world just isn’t the same place that it was before.

I decided to start this group to end the lonliness. There is no reason anyone should have to go through this alone. We can post pictures, memorial websites, articles, poetry, and we can vent the rage and the fury as well as the guilt and despair. We are not alone. There are others who have been there. There are others who truly understand.

I hope this group is of great help for the numbers of survivors that are growing every single day. Come share this special place with me where we can honor our loved ones without judgement. Thank you.


For those of you who are facebook users, please visit and say hello. I was just created and I’d love to see more members to share their stories and offer each other support.


A post from Ashlee found from 2 days after Taylor died

posted by: Niccole,  February 12, 2009 @ 9:03 pm

She sent this to me today over myspace. I remember this. Wow how far we’ve come and how bad it all still hurt. She’s in charge of a memorial spread in the yearbook for this years senior class. She said’ it’s done. I’m trying to sucker her into letting me see it. I am mentally preparing. I can’t even imagine going to graduation this year and seeing all of Taylors classmates grown up and graduating. I will do the best I can. We will be there to cheer on Tyler and the rest of Taylors friends. Anyways, she found this and I know it brings back so much of the shock of those first few days. It’s still so surreal.

From: ashleejay. [relapse] (14704805)
To: (0)
Date: Feb 12, 2009 4:30 PM
Subject: look what i found. :’( i fucking hate this.

hereos die first.

i miss you babe.

My Biggest Hero Everrrr.


“And I leave you all with these final
words ‘Like a wolf among sheep, I am a
beast in flesh, walking upright among

Rest In Peace baby, I love you.

June 28th, 1990 - May 21st, 2007

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I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when i lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with eachother;for those were some of the best times of my life.

I’ve tried to accept the fact that he’s gone. But I’m still in shock. He was the most amazing boy I have ever met. I was insanely in love with him for three years and hopefully he felt the same way towards me. Saturday, he became more than just the guy I was in love with, he became the guy I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. The day I got the news, I couldn’t believe it, I truthfully didn’t want to. Then again, I don’t think anyone did. I was in complete shock. I couldn’t think of what to do with myself. I had just talked to him the day before and he wasn’t in the best of moods, but he still didn’t seem like he was gonna do what he did. It’s tragic, the way we lost him. He was well loved. Someone lost a homecoming date, a sibling, a best friend, an aquaintance, a partner in class, an entertainer, an advice giver, a person to just chill with, a lover, a class mate, etc. the day he died. He’s in a better place now and I hope he’s happier there then he was here. What happened was completely unexpected from him. He seemed completely happy.

He was the only person who got me to say words I thought I would never say to someone. He was the guy that made me smile no matter what mood I was in. He could make anyone laugh no matter what. He made a girl feel like she was the most gorgeous thing that walked on this planet. I’ll miss the way he’d scare the shit outta me and just make fun of me afterwards. I’ll miss the gay names he called me. I’ll miss the way he looked at me when he knew I was lying to him about something stupid, I’ll miss the way he would stand oddly close to me and breathe on the back of my neck, I’ll miss the way he would be so sly about telling me he loved me, I’ll miss the smile he got when he was up to nothing good, I’ll miss the ways he told me loved me, I’ll miss our late night phone calls and just listening to him talk about the oddest things. His dream, was to be a hero and a dad. Well he’s my biggest hero and I hope he knows that. He didn’t last to be the dad part, but I know if he did, he would’ve been the most amazing dad ever. I’ll miss the way he looked at me with the most amazing blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I’ll miss his laughter around me. I’ll miss his voice. I’ll miss the feeling that I used to hate so much everytime I saw him. I’ll miss every single little thing. Even those gay sideburns he shaved off. Some people know how I felt about him, and they know he was my world, my EVERYTHING. Without him here, I feel completely useless. I don’t care about my appearance, I can’t get myself to want to go to school, I can’t laugh about things I used to laugh about. I can’t really do anything without him, it all reminds me of him. If you go around and ask people about him, you would know how great of a person he was, even though he was a bit perverted. You could ask any girl that too. Atleast every other word that came out of his mouth had to do with sex. He was my first everything, including my first love. And I will love him no matter what. Forever. I wish I could explain how I really felt about him. But it’s impossible to put in words. I wish I could just have told him how I felt the day I wanted to. I wish I would’ve been around when he called. I wish he just would’nt have done what he did.

My heart especially goes out to his mom, Niccole. Who happens to be extremly strong and completely amazing. I don’t think I know anyone that could handle what’s going on, as well as she is. I admire her for that. Even though I just met her today, and talked to her about everything, I love her to death. She brought the most amazing boy into this world and I do owe her for that.

I hope he rests in peace and I’ll miss him sooo much. I already do and it’s been two days. I love you Taylor Martin McLaughlin. You were my one and only. I will never forget you and you were and still are, extremely amazing. You will forever own my heart.

30 days to death… Hope they find him in time.

posted by: Niccole,  February 10, 2009 @ 9:35 pm

There is a man who has been updating his blog and his youtube account for 18 days now. He plans to kill himself on day 30. His family has no idea of this.

I found this post when I was working yesterday. I read through it and I read the comments on the blog site and the youtube site. I am disgusted by the human race at this point. No one of all the posters there could say anything except call him a fag, a loser, an attention whore and just urge him to do it now. I brought this thread to the attention of my email support group called “Parents of suicide”. I knew that they would take it very seriously and know the proper way to deal with it.

It broke my heart to see him write that he knew his mother would be ok. I lost it. He is so wrong. His mother will be in a state of permanent agony and he is so lost in himself and his own pain that he has absolutely no idea what anguish he will leave behind if he goes through with this on day 30.

I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try to do something so I asked the support group leader for help and she called the police in Vegas where he is at now. They called her back saying there was nothing they could do because they couldn’t prove he was in Vegas. I said a little prayer for him and luckily about an hour later he posted a new video and he showed himself and the Treasure Island hotel so now there was absolute proof that he was in Vegas.

I called the police right away and let them know about it. They took down all the info I could give them from his video and they said they took it very seriously and they were on it.

Today, the lady from the support group got a call back from them stating that his picture is in the hands of every policeman in Las Vegas. If they see him, he will be taken in.

I think it’s great news but at the same time I wonder why they can’t get his personal info from the website host and do a check to find out which hotel and room he’s staying in. I can’t understand. We shall see how this goes.

Someone told me today “You can’t save the world”. Yes, yes I know but I can sleep at night knowing I tried with just one. My heart bleeds for his mother whether she finds out in time or not. Let’s pray that she does.

Letting go… to all the transitional static… back to healing

posted by: Niccole,  February 8, 2009 @ 2:33 pm

I woke up extremely early this morning unable to go back to sleep. Me and Jaz had a talk last night about some of the bizarre things that happened which resulted in the confusion, fear, and hell we experienced throughout last summer while we were trying to grieve, deal with her dads heart surgery, and move with nowhere to go. It got my mind buzzing for about two and a half hours. I kept recalling every bizarre unexplainable incident.

I get so mad at myself and upset when I think about the whole propane incident, the way D had spouted towards me and Jaz over and over while we were trying our best to cope and get out of there, the secret bank accounts he had created, the funeral and bill money that was donated to us which he paid his bills off with behind my back, and the ways in which he slowly turned every friend, family member, and even my counselor against me towards the end so that I would have no support and everyone would think I was crazy and distance themselves when I really needed help the most.

I recalled the time where Jazmin came into our room late at night. Things were bad and we were in the process of breaking things off and figuring out what to do already. She had tremors in her torso that were involuntarily shuddering over and over. She sat on the edge of the bed and I felt her. I couldn’t believe it. I turned to D to show him too. Me and Jaz were both completely floored when he jumped up and screamed “Stop hitting me!!!” We were both like WTF no ones hitting you. Jaz reminded me just last week that after that, we had found recording equipment in my closet.

The other unheard of reaction from him happened when I had Jazmin at the dentist and we were on the way home and her dad was going to meet us at the house to pick her up. He had his girlfriend driving so this was early June after his surgery. I called the house to make sure D wasn’t there and poor Jaz was bleeding out of her mouth extra bad and the laughing gas had her all loopy and almost sick. He yelled at me and threatened to call the cops if either one of us showed up there. I couldn’t convince either way about it. He just snapped and threatened me. I met Jazzys dad at the church to exchange her and we agreed not to tell him. Later, I found his recording equipment from his old studio in the basement room fully wired up the wall, across the ceiling and into Taylors room with a double phone jack behind his dresser. I called the cops but they wouldn’t do anything.

This all has boggled my mind and has been hard to process over the past 6 months on top of everything else I have had to deal with. I couldn’t figure out how a human being could be so cruel and go to such lengths to sabatoge me. Why not just break up and move on without causing harm where there was already so much harm done? How could I have protected Jazmin better? Why would no one believe me? Why would no one help us?

I had to call D about a month ago and warn him to not wave to Jazmin or even look at her ever again. I also called him because SOMEBODY messed up my email account I used to use for my Parents of suicide support group. In December, I really could have used it, but again, it was ruined. I finally got him to admit his fear of the neighbor guy who was threatening to kill us and harassing us the whole time. He admitted to just getting out of there and did not care at the time of our safety, just his own. Well, I guess I wasn’t paranoid and delusional afterall. He knew I was in danger and it was a big “So what”. That’s that.

I often wonder if his family has any idea of what Jazmin went through that last month or so. Both the kids had to pull him off me one morning when I woke up to him with his forearm pressing on my throat and his fist in the air. That was followed by him running down the stairs screaming and me going after him in a frantic which resulted in me falling over the ledge about 20 feet onto my shoulder and neck and suffering a few bruised and cracked ribs. He left me there and the kids were horrified. That’s pretty much the last I saw of his son but my poor daughter had to see alot more than that in the following month of scurrying to get out of there.

I have beat myself up so badly over all of that, that sometimes I can’t sleep at night. I couldn’t protect my son and I could hardly protect my daughter from hurt. I couldn’t make sense of it all. My skills of being able to tell what another person was capable of were completely skewed to the point no one believed when I DID try to ask for help. It was always, “Who would do something like that?” followed by, “I know! I never saw this coming!” and then total rejection.

Well, today, at 6:30 am as I”m mowing over it all again, I was finally able to get back to sleep. I can’t explain how this happened, but I had a very intuitive and soothing dream. I never have dreams about D at all but this time I did. I could see things from a different perspective. My parents were in it. My old cat, creampuff, and my old dog, Trixie were in it. Also, Lindy, my brothers old dog was in it too.

It would take me forever to explain the details, but let’s just say I woke up with a sense of peace. I woke up with a renewed ability to “let it go”. I know that I tried everything I could when I would see some of the mild incidents happen with him. I could always sense it coming in the beginning. I did my best to try and make him see what was happening and change it around with a bit of anger control. From embarassing angry blurting at someone on the road or a restaurant, to the extreme horror of him beating up the dog. (That was the WORST). I NOW know that this was not my fault. I KNOW that this was totally out of my control. I also got the “message” that his family is or will be able to help him somewhat and not keep going with their heads in the sand like everything is ok. What we experienced was there before I came along and is there afterwards. They aren’t my lessons to learn. They are his.

I feel like I’ve been held back from proper healing over the loss of Taylor. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much time that I really needed to properly grieve and to do fun things with Jaz at the same time. I’ve felt so cheated. I’ve had six months to hide out in the woods and pull myself together at rock bottom with nothing. I’ve had days and weeks of pure silence to rest my insides, meditate, and heal. I’m finally at a point where I can forgive MYSELF and I’m getting some energy back now. I’m healthier than I’ve been for a long time. Jazmin is thriving better than she has in a long time. Me and her dad are doing great with our new schedule and everything is fair and routine. Jaz loves the new place I live in and we are so fortunate that things turned out the way they have.

I just want to say thanks to my Grandma and Grandpa (RIP) who I know are watching over me. I know they sent me that dream last night and I never would have thought that the inner guilt that I was still suffering from could actually be released and gone. I didn’t even realize how much I was beating myself up on the inside. It is GONE… I feel so much relief. I love you guys and I know you and Taylor are with me all the time. I feel like alot of “static” has just disappeared. I’m able to continue with this journey to healing and to create our coming days, years and our future.

We are safe now. We are no longer alone.

Email address

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posted by: Niccole,  February 5, 2009 @ 5:33 pm

Yes, my old one was messed with so I haven’t been able to use it for a long time. I opened another for those of you who want to get ahold of me. I didn’t realize that there wasn’t one on this site. will work.

You can also get me at

So what is our next move? What is our purpose? Can we make a change?

posted by: Niccole,  December 23, 2008 @ 8:29 pm

Now… with everything we have learned….

Since last April, which is where this series of blogs goes back to (might wanna click “older” if you want to go back that far), my head has been spinning. For eleven months of mental torture, processing, denial, acceptance, fury, rage, sorrow, and tremendous grief I didn’t know existed, there is now MORE to process. I’ve had to go back to those final moments from his point of view the best I can. That is the hardest part. How confused and terrified he was, how badly he hurt where his coping mechanisms had started to completely overflow, rather BURST, that morning of May 21, 2007. Now there’s more to the story.

I can’t even express how I felt initially when I heard that Taylor had been harassed, received death threats, and been lured in fraudulently just to be rejected yet again. It was all about rejection. Everytime he got close to anyone or anything in the final couple years, eventually it disappeared into thin air, and usually in a very harsh and sudden manner. He experienced so many scary moments as it was with the girlfriends parents and on top of it, he couldn’t even play a video game. He couldn’t socialize with other girls on myspace, as I had strongly urged him to do since his current situation was so unhealthy. His attempts to unwind and meet new people and play games turned around and stuck him right in the heart along with everyone else who contributed their part.

In the fall of 06, I tried to get help with some of the threats and harassment he was suffering with. My daughter was scared too and I was just totally pissed. We went to the Anacortes police department where officer O’Ryan would NOT let us in the door after waiting outside for nearly an hour in the freezing cold. This is why (God, I’ll never forgive myself for this) when he came to me begging me to call the cops in regards to online threats and such, I tried to make him toughen up and wait it out. If they won’t do anything about someone coming to our home to threated him, they certainly aren’t going to pay attention to a few emails.

Well, there is nothing I can ever do to bring Taylor back. I will never know exactly what happened in those final hours. I’ve even had very strong reason to believe that Taylor might have been physically harmed or frightened that morning. I won’t go into that in fear of retaliation. My girlfriend and I took several pics of things that were very suspicious in nature. I will look into some of these details further at a later date. I can’t handle much more than I”m already dealing with. There’s a bunch of things that just don’t look “right” to me. I did call the sheriff with my concerns and was completely blown off and called “a mother who isn’t dealing with the death of her son very well”. Whatever, at least it’s documented and my friend is my witness that I tried.

I still need to call the coroner again because “for reasons he could not explain”, Taylors autopsy pictures have been missing since day one. Also, the coroners report went into vivid detail about the length of his finger nails to the slight fluid in one lung due to a bit of a cold, but NOTHING about the huge lump on his forhead. The funeral home could hardly keep the makeup covering it. It was huge and there were probably a hundred people who can attest to the fact that it was there.

The whole investigation by the sheriffs department was botched. One of the female sheriffs told me directly that there is always a detective in a suicide case. Well there was not one. Dead kid, too bad, let’s do the paperwork and go take the mom to the ER and sedate her ass… Like another day at work for them.

Anyway!!! I can’t do anything about anything I’m not 100% certain of. So, for now, it will rest. But what I DO know for a fact, is that Taylor was a victim to cyberbullying at its extreme the last few weeks he was alive. They were going to “kill him” and “rape his sister”, etc etc etc… This isn’t mere childs play. This is a huge factor that contributed to his depression, anxiety, and fear. He wasn’t even safe at home from abuse. He didn’t come to me with this, as he knew I’d just make him turn off the machine. I had to find out months after he was dead.

Once I got through the April, May June, July, August, and September of inconvenient transition ex boyfriend abuse issues and got settled in my new place, I finally started to do more research on the laws in the state of Washington.

In 2007 a bill was passed in regards to cyberbullying or bullying by electronic device during school hours on school grounds. It’s crazy to me that it’s perfectly fine to harass, stalk, and threaten another person, especially a CHILD, and get away with it as long as it wasn’t done at school.

I emailed Tina Meier, Megan Meiers mom, God bless that woman, and she wrote back to tell me that she would do “anything she could” to help change the laws in Washington just as she did in Missouri which took effect on August 28, 2008. I can’t wait to talk to her on the phone. Well, I am nervous, yes, but we do plan on getting together after the holidays and she will help me with whatever knowledge and resources she has. I will inturn direct any of my resources and connections her way. This will truly be one one GOOD thing that can come out of all this daily pain. I love how she was the only one who addressed what I’m going through as “daily pain”. She knows EXACTLY how painful this is. Every hour, every minute.

As of yesterday, look what’s already happening. 7 people charged with cyberbullying The laws in Missouri in precious Megans memory are bringing justice to those who think the law doesn’t pertain to them as well as deterring others from thinking they can freely hide behind a keyboard in order to torment others. I know Megan is very pleased with the changes that are being made. And, if I know my Taylor, he’s probably following her around trying to ask her out! lol…

It’s about time something can be done. Everyones answer is “The parents should monitor their childs internet usage more.” or “Just take the computer away.” Why is it that innocent teens be punished and taken from socializing online over a few predators out there that try to ruin it for them. Why not pick out the bad apples and let things progress as they may.

There have been laws in place for prank calling for years. No one back then said, “Ground your child from the phone if they are victim to prank phone call threats.” Laws were made and from that point on, taken seriously, as they should. Time for legislature to catch up with technology. Look out Washington state. 2009 things are going to change.

With Christmas time being right now, I want to share just one thing that Tina said to me that brought me to tears. She said, “Maybe one day there will be a holiday when we can all smile and not feel like we have to smile so that everyone else around us thinks we are doing okay, but that we are really doing OKAY!”

And with that, Happy Holidays to everyone. And thanks for your support throughout these difficult times. You know who you are. We will do our best to make the most out of the love we have for each other and the blessings we are grateful for every single day.

Love you guys,

Niccole and Jaz

October, karmas on our side. Our purpose begins…

posted by: Niccole,  December 19, 2008 @ 10:41 pm

So I survived through my birthday at the end of September with tornados of thoughts going through my weary head about Taylor. How am I going to get through every month, week, day, and HOUR for the next however many years that I’m going to be alive. I still can’t grasp the fact that at only 34 years old, I found my son, my life, on the floor like that completely lifeless. I’m now 36 and I have a long way to go. It never leaves me. It only seems to get more vivid. My good memories, which I cherish, come more frequently and clear. The memories of that day seem to be easier to “manage” or “repress” but this is a journey that is an every day painful challenge that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Jazmin is the inspiration of my existance at this point. She has learned so much at the tender age of 11 than most people learn and experience in their entire lifetimes. Both of us have. We have been enjoying every single weekend together and the transition went very well. Todd doesn’t seem to mind the drive so much anymore and I finally aquired a new safe vehicle that I Prayed so hard for since school started.

I picked the car out, made the call, laid out the “rules”, went to test drive it, and had a money order ready to hand over in exchange for the keys the following morning. Yes, females can get decent deals on cars too! The experience was very empowering. I was so blessed to have received a second check for back pay from social security in a very large amount. Just the amount I needed to buy a car that can safely get me to my daughter and back plus a few odds and ends for the household. Me and Jazmin were so excited to finally go drive around and experience the area we now live in without worrying about the tires blowing out or God knows what else with all the vandalism my other car had gone through.

Finally, karma was working on our side. We had been victims so much sabotage, cruelty, selfishness, confusion and fear. It was now starting to disappear. The more we prayed and the more we loved and counted on each other, the more abundance we were experiencing in every sense of the word. We finally got to eat italian food… IN A RESTAURANT! That is one of the things her and I love to do more than anything in the world. We love to enjoy a nice meal out, people watch, relax, and talk. We hadn’t been able to do anything of the sort for months.

On a side note, my girlfriend back home had text messaged me sometime in August. She told me that she looked at D’s myspace account and he had labeled his status “in a relationship” along with a profile of a girl (with a mohawk, not that I’m judging. I just find it amusing) in his #1 spot on his page. Any myspace users know what that means. It means they’re “doin it” or “boyfriend/girlfriend” or whatever. I certainly wasn’t jealous but the timing was pretty ironic. All the attempts to keep me the heck away from Anacortes or to just get me locked up for a long time all made sense now…. sort of. I hope it was worth it! The damage that was caused over a myspace affair was very sad for my daughter and very typical in my world when it came to D.

nude pics of linda cardellini

nude pics of linda cardellininude pics of linda cardellini D had repeatedly been dishonest and sneaky when it came to the myspace with other females in very inappropriate ways ever since we had moved in together. He repeated those habits throughout the months I was grieving so heavily. It’s just one of those things, I guess. He’s a very disloyal person. But, the funny part is, within a couple weeks my girlfriend told me that he was all of a sudden “single” again and the girl was not on his #1 spot anymore. Like I said before… I hope it was all worth it! Wow! So my guess is, he either yelled at her mother, abused her housepets, or disrespected her children. Glad those clippers didn’t shave off her brain cells. Sounds like she did the right thing and did it early, not later. Again, karma works out just the way it should sometimes.

So, back to October, and me and Jaz have a new car. I let my car loan place come and repo my car. That was a big relief off of everyone. They had been calling everyone and their dog all over the place including Todd’s entire family. It was terrible and they were really getting nasty and rude. But no one knew where I was. They weren’t lying. Tow truck was her within the hour. I didn’t even go outside to say goodbye to my “grief mobile”. Bye bye car. Hello peace.

Me and Jazmin survived Halloween here in the new area. We had a great time carving pumpkins with a few new friends that I met here and we spent Halloween night at a community party. We didn’t stay too long, but we went through the motions and had a very nice time. We ended the night with some great food at a local restaurant. I gave Jaz the grand finale after a nice day with one of my clumsy stunts. I was cutting a tomato and, yep, you guessed it. I cut my finger and blood was squirting everywhere. Jaz just shakes her head and rolls her eyes anymore. LOL… “oh mama”, she says with a sigh.

Now that things had become very stable here, I was able to get back on task with other things too. I started work again, even though I don’t need to. I’m with a company that I was with several years ago. They always treated me very respectfully and have been absolutely great. My coworker, Charlie, and I have been like two peas in a pod since the day we met. We always have clicked. We caught up on the phone with everything that had happened and they’ve been very gentle with me and very little pressure. It’s kinda like part time to see if this is really what I want to do as of yet. So far so good…

On that note, I am starting to believe that there is a divine reason why I accidentally got into the internet business so long ago. I have alot of contacts and resources, and many friends in high places. I made a decision on October 30th to send an email to Tina Meier, Megan Meiers mom. I had been to her site, and it just felt like the right time to reach out. I figured that she would be far too busy to get back with me as she is traveling around the country speaking out in regards to cyberbullying. Tina has been putting her all into this cause, one that only since April, has hit so close to home for me. I prayed she would write me back….

She wrote me back…. twice!

To be continued….

September/October, grateful to be alive, and honoring the dead

posted by: Niccole,  December 8, 2008 @ 3:48 pm

So I begin to settle in, grateful for each passing day. I’m grateful I’m alive and that Jaz is ok. I’m grateful that her dad is recovering at a somewhat steady pace. I’m grateful that my dad was kind enough to finally bring me a few plates, a bed, some of my clothes, some silverware, cups, and a even my grandpas microwave. These items he brought me were of my Grandparents (RIP) and gave me such comfort, I can’t even express. I not only felt the warmth from my baby, but as the days went by, I grew a much higher appreciation for my grandparents. Not only on my mothers side, but my fathers side as well. Ironically, my Granda Maggie would be 101 years old today if she were stil alive. RIP to all 4 of them.

I had pretty much gotten used to eating with a spork out of washed out cream cheese containers. You should see the collection of “gladware” and other reusable, washable containers I got with my food stamps over the past few months. I also learned to rinse tin foil, scrimp on toilet paper, and always grab extra napkins whenever I went anywhere. I wasn’t having a hard time knowing what to wear over the months as I only had the original 3 outfits and a few other items. Thank god I bought those socks back in July when I got out of the rat cage and me and Jaz went to the mall. I’m still using them! Jazmin still enjoys eating cereal out of the container that you get lunchmeat in. She won’t let me throw those things away because to her, they’re like souveneirs. Little treasures that will forever remind us of what we have overcome. Reminders of what we have that some people don’t. Reminders that the only important things in life aren’t THINGS.

My angel who allowed me to stay in his condo, my dear friend from so long ago, I will always call him my angel, visited me whenever he could. We really enjoyed getting to know each other again and he’s taught me so much about “patience and perseverance”. One day when visiting him, I was expressing how nervous I was about meeting more birth family. I had made plans with my birth brother, Quinn, to go down to Portland CAMPING. Yes, I said it. CAMPING. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve never been camping. I prefer room service, a pool, and a magazine and I’m good to go.

Me and my other 4 birth siblings that I met exactly a year ago around the time of my birthday, were shocked to hear that their aunt Marilyn had died on August 8, 2008. Of all things, her daughter, Carrie, looked Quinn up in the phone book and there he was! Carrie and her sister were to be there along with a few other family members. They were dying to meet us all! They wanted to spread Marilyns ashes in the ocean and camp at the RV park across the street where she had spend so much of her life over the years. The owners were very familiar with her and they were more than happy to take great care of us through the trip.

Quinn suddenly texts me and says that he was really sorry. He was behind so much in money from some recent time he had missed of work, that he logically could not make it happen. The gas would kill him and we would have to just forget it this time. I originally was apprehensive but something struck me when he said “I can’t”. I just can’t accept that word anymore in our vocabulary. Since my praying seemed to be working so well, I hopped in the car and prayed my ass off all the way home. I really wanted to meet them. I knew how fresh their grief was, and I know it meant the world to Quinn to put our mother, Colleen, into the ocean with her only sister. Colleen died from suicide on my birthday, September 24, 2006. In my mind, we were MEANT to go. No ifs ands or buts.

I’m close to being home, and a man was standing there holding a sign, very close to my car at the stoplight. He was homeless and just had an air about him that I couldn’t shake. I could tell he wasn’t a crackhead. I knew he really needed anything he could get. You could tell he wasn’t used to being in that position. I figured I needed the karma on my side so I rolled down my window and gave him the only dollar I had on me. His expression of pure appreciation was indescribable. I apologized for not having more and told him I was just recently in his shoes and I totally understood. With a god bless you from him and from me right back, I left and continued praying the whole way home. Please let us be there for this rare event. They need us, and we all need them. I had already spoke to Carrie on the phone and we had hit it off like we’d known each other our whole lives.

I get in the door and immediately call Quinn. He was so bummed and he said he didn’t have any money at all. I told him I had food stamps. We could all at least eat with that. Even then, he was too broke at the time to get down there. I told him to hang on a minute while I checked my bank account. I wasn’t supposed to get any of the backpay money for 3-4 months but I thought I’d check anyway. Guess WHAT!! There was $6,000.00 deposited THIS MORNING! Holy shit is all I could say, once again. I told him to pack his shit. We’re going to Portland! He was shocked. We both were. So he packed up the tent and came to my place to get me. Jaz had arrived at the same time he did. We loaded up everything I had in my fridge and freezer, a few blankets and pillows and OFF WE GO!

Another really weird thing happened as we left the wooded area I’m in and get onto the freeway. We were passed by 6 or 7 cars that EACH had a cross hanging from their rear view mirror. Not that that matters but we all noticed it! Quinn said it was like we were being escorted.

Wow, what a long drive it was. We didn’t have time to contact Bruce or Eli. Not sure why that was. This was all so sudden. Me, Quinn and Jaz went and picked up my birth sister, Shandra and her daughter, Lily. We went straight there, got there quite late, and was so nervous. First person we see when we get out of the car was Cheryl, Marilyns other daughter. I am the one who looks very much like Colleen, our mother, so it was amusing how she kept hugging me and looking at me. She had always known about me by the name of Autumn. We all rejoiced, blabbered away, crashed, and prepared for scattering ashes of 3 people early the next morning when the tide was out.

It killed me to watch Quinn open that box of Colleen with a knife. He had never scattered ashes before. Cheryl was obviously just devestated, and Carrie was sad but in a different, more accepting way. Everyone else did pretty well. We all wrote memorials in the sand and scooped a bit of each of them from their containers. I cringed when I saw Quinn first toss ashes. As he had never done it before, he learned quickly to pay attention to the way the wind was blowing lol… We all cried, took pics, honored Marilyn, Colleen, and my Taylor and headed back to the camp site. It was very overwhelming and exhausting. We had a great rest of the trip getting to know each other. I will never forget. I can’t wait to see them all again.

As I sat alone 4 days later in the apartment, it was my birthday, September 24. I was so sad. Jazmin messaged me on msn messenger (yes,I also managed to fix my own computer thank god, yet agian). She had made the most beautiful video on youtube with a slideshow of our trip. I wish she wouldn’t cut herself out of the pics but I’m proud that she is stern about now wanting her pics in the videos she makes.

Jaz made my lonely birthday a bright ray of sunshine. Her video made me cry as I watched it over and over again. I couldn’t have asked for more. Patience, perseverance, and gratefulness. She’s learned it, now she lives it. We both live it. Bless her heart…

Next, October, the beginning of major changes in the future…

To be continued……

September, back with my girl, everybody wins, and other blessings

posted by: Niccole,  @ 3:48 pm

So it’s literally days away from school starting and I’m still unable to have visitation unless it’s supervised. No one can really supervise us as I’m living out of town and Todd wouldn’t approve of the friend I have up here. I couldn’t really understand why he was becoming more difficult rather than sympathetic throughout this whole deal. I figured maybe the pain drugs, etc from heart surgery were altering his common sense. Also, when you have an injury of that magnitude, it’s a scientific fact that the mind suffers from depression because all of the energy your body needs to heal, goes to the injury, and less energy to the brain.

CPS arranges for me, Todd, and Jaz to meet at my place. We had to agree that Jazmin continue school in Anacortes, at least for this year. So how were we to change the parenting plan? As it stood, I had Jazmin 8 out of every 14 days. So how about 4 days a week? Seemed fair. Todd wasn’t really comfortable with anything. He was kinda leaning towards HIM having custody of her and possibly using the current situation in his favor. Luckily, it wasn’t going to work that way because I refuse to have battles with my daughters dad, especially in the state he was in.

Come to find out, the state (I was on welfare for several months) had started taking money out of his account. In our divorce, many years ago, I agreed he would pay me $100.00 per month and I would match it. This was to basically to cover school clothes and that sort of thing. The state was very brutal to him. I had went to have a letter notarized with Todd stating that this was our agreement and they accused him of lying and thought that it wasn’t really me that signed the letter. Long story short, they kept messing with him so he was afraid of having to pay 600 a month or whatever it was if I were to have her even slightly more than him.

In front of the CPS worker, I told him he didn’t have to pay anything. I didn’t care. He still had no idea the magnitude of I just went through nor did it matter. I just needed to ease his mind that I want Jazmin, not his money. We agreed to 4 days a week. I wasn’t going to be able to pull this of initially because I still had a death mobile for a car, so severely vandalized, that I refused to drive all that way with her in the car. So all I could ask for is that I have her every single day (if she wanted, of course) that she was not in school. It actually ends up being more generous than the original plan. And he would be in charge of her during school time. Fair enough. Everyone agreed, including Jazmin. I also made it very clear that I do care about him as a person and as Jazmins dad. I have no desire to be “the ex”. I want us to both respect each other for her sake. I would never want anything bad to happen to him or for her to lose him.

My parents have been bringing her to me every weekend. I meet Todd halfway bringing her back. My car got reposessed November 17th. Me and Jaz cleaned any of our belongings out and I called them when I had a new vehicle to drive. It was a bittersweet goodbye, but I had missed payments since July. I obviously couldn’t fit a car payment and insurance into everything else that was going on. It was the last car that my son rode in. It was a place that I spent so much time in, the past year. Everyday, going for a drive with my coffee and crying my eyes out. Many times, screaming my lungs out and beating up my dash. I had broke almost everything within arms and legs distance of my seat. It was thrashed anyway and I owed too much. A hit to my credit is the least of my worries.

When D moved out, he was “kind” enough to throw a huge pile of mail, important paperwork, social security application, everything made out of paper, into a huge pile for me to sort through on the 2 days notice he had given me to leave. I had not been in charge of that sort of thing for several months so I had no idea when things were due, etc etc. I was very proud of myself that in my state of shock and terror I was going through, I managed to organize hundreds of papers and get all my necessities in order. I even got alot of baby pictures of Taylor which were cut up with scissors. Again, D? Psycho neighbor? Who knows, just get me out of here! I had what I needed to do, pay, and most important was the social security. If I couldn’t get that going, I’d have to work again. Work wasn’t an option because along with having no money, my computer had been ruined to the point it wouldn’t turn on. I questioned D about it at the end of June and the same answer, “I did nothing” and “Too bad”. Whatever… sigh…

Anyways, I was going to have to wait up to 9 months, they told me! I was unsure how I’d do it, but I was willing. I prayed every day, hoping that I could at least get an answer. Once they give you the answer, which could take up to 6 months, that’s where the 9 month waiting period comes in. I had no idea how I was going to swing this. The welfare office here was so wonderful to me. They gave me many resources but as far as housing, I could only pray. The waiting lists were far too long. I prayed and I prayed, not begging for money but with thankfulness for how far we had come and for the strenth me and Jaz were blessed with to not let this take us down. I could only have faith that everything was going to be ok.

One morning I got the call. Not only would I be receiving enough money for rent and leisure, but full state medical. After 2 years, I will recieve medicaid as well. My 6 month wait was only weeks. Very scary weeks, but only weeks! My prayers had been answered. At least now I knew I could count on SOMETHING for stability. I also learned that I would be receiving that amount for the months prior. All the way back to January 2008! Not just me but for Jazmin too! The chunk would arrive within the next 3 months, they said, and my benefits would start on October 1st! Holy shit is all I could say. I cried and thanked them so much.

Finally, life was giving us a break. I still had nothing but I was going to be able to have a normal schedule with Jazmin. I had a great place for her and I to stay, food on the table (yes I managed to aquire a table. A story for another day), and a soft bed to sleep in. What more does one need? We hold that attitude to this day. I plopped to the floor by Jazmins picture and Taylors picture. I just cried and cried. I picked up Taylors ashes and held them in my lap, thanking him for watching over me. I know he helped me through this. So many times I could feel him and I talked to him every day, alone in the apartment. I prayed to him and God for weeks to just please sit with me and get me through this for Jazmins sake. He never failed me or disappointed me when he was alive. And I know he’s there hugging me and supporting me with strength every single day.

Thank you Taylor… I cry as I finish this portion of the story. I will never forget you.

Next, miracles galore… Working again, freedom, bonding, joy, and change for the future in Washington state laws. A sudden abundance of resources, and I STILL don’t have my things from storage! lol… we are surviving. Nothing can break us now.

To be continued…..

August, Jazmins birthday in the ER… she saves my life

posted by: Niccole,  @ 3:47 pm

So me, Jazmin, and my parents go to the ER thinking it will be easy. Just slash my finger, let it drain, give me a bandaid and let me go on my merry way. We had to wait quite a long time which was fine. Me and jaz, once I got a room, sat on the hospital bed together and talked for hours. We had so much to catch up on.

I had an xray done to see if there was foreign matter inside my finger. I had originally cut it in a kitchen accident (yeah, out of fury) and had it stiched up. My ring finger on my right hand was really bad. The insides were hanging out etc. I drove myself to the Anacortes ER, had it stiched, and came home. It had healed fine but got pretty banged up over the past couple months with all the packing. I was also under so much stress, I think my immune system had broken down quite a bit. I had lost a ton of weight and was really physically messed up at one point. The ER doctor thought that perhaps some gauze or something had been sewn up inside my finger and caused the infection.

Xray came back ok. You can’t really see much on there anyway so who really knows to this day. They didn’t want to lance it open, which was disappointing to me. Instead they gave me 4 different meds and insisted I start taking them immediately. My blood pressure was sky high. That was unusual because I’ve never had high blood pressure in my life, even through all I’ve been through. They explained that it was probably due to the pain. I have a very high pain tolerance but apparently that has nothing to do with it.

Additionally, I was starting to develop a fever, which isn’t a good thing. Bypassing the rest of the day which was me and Jaz enjoying our time together in many ways, I took the meds. I had to say a tearful goodbye to her at the end of the day and my parents took her back to Todd. Me and CPS had more appointments to follow up on but we were very close to being in the clear. I’m so grateful for that day. I not only had one of the best days of my life, Jazmin said it was the best birthday of her life.

The next day, after 3 doses of my meds, getting up during the night to take them at precise times as I started to feel worse by the hour, I started to go downhill fast. I got a pen and paper and started jotting down what I took, when I took it, what I ate, and how much water I was drinking. At one point, I couldn’t lift my head. I couldn’t reach the phone which was on the bed right in front of my face. I lay on my side and find myself drift into unconsiousness.

I awoke 2 hours later. My tounge was chewed up , bloodied, and I was drenched in sweat. I was no longer feverish. I burned such a high fever that it was clear that it broke. I felt wayyyy better. If I had not had 4 doses of antibiotics in me, I might have died. No one knew where I was. I had no phone numbers saved. I couldn’t move to call 911. It was so scary. I believe I had a seizure.

All those weeks that CPS urged me to stay home every day during business hours, I could have went to a doctor. I kept waiting and putting it off. I had no time to go. I had to just be tough. As a result, I almost died. My precious daughter saved my life that day, her birthday of 2008.

Since that day, the fever has started to come back several times. I’ve been in the ER 4 times. I’ve been lanced and wicked twice(They cut it open and put a long piece of gauze in there and then wrap it, allowing it to drain over several days time).

I currently go to therapy for it as it is grossly deformed and doesn’t work very good. I keep working it and massaging it, trying to get the flesh to gradually work back into its proper position.

It looks as if I have to go back again though. The top knuckle is becoming purple again and my finger bends backwards if I’m not careful as I type. I also will shreik in pain if I get poked by the edge of an envelope or anything like that. I have learned to do alot with my left hand over these past few months, especially reaching in my purse!

Thank you, Jazzy, for saving my life that day. I had a wonderful time and am so grateful. A finger is nothing compared to what we lost. I would give my right arm without blinking an eye just to have you, honey.

More CPS, state, and social security issues… but things start to look up.

To be continued……

July - August, CPS drops the ball….

posted by: Niccole,  @ 3:46 pm

After receiving the voicemail from CPS, recommending that I have no contact with Jazmin, Todd, or his girlfriend, I call the number back that they left me. I thought it would be fairly easy. I wasn’t worried at all. I would never and have never hurt my child in any way. I got an voicemail that gave me an afterhours number to call. I was a bit irked that they chose to call right at about 5 pm, on a friday, to then shut their cell phones off but hey, how bad can it get?

I call the afterhours number and talked to a woman who told me there was no legal tie to the case. She said that “someone” called (Darlene) because she felt Jazmin was unsafe and that I was homeless. I assured her that I had a place to stay. Todd knew I had a safe place to stay. She informed me that I could raise a big stink about it and go get her immediately, OR that I just wait till the following Monday. I agreed to wait. Afterall, the one thing that everyone seemed to want is for me to crack. I wasn’t going to crack. I would play the game gracefully and it would all be over in a few days.

Monday rolls around and I can’t get through. Tuesday, I get a call at the very end of business hours saying that they would call me back the next day. She promised. When I told her I had somewhere to live, she informed me that now there was further concern as to my roommate. I was very irritated but agreed to wait till the next day. No call came. I called at 4:30 pm and left a message. This went on for days. She’d call me and promise to call the next day and then wouldn’t. I would leave a message every single day at 4:30 pm and she would call every 48 hours (I informed her I knew the law was that she couldn’t make me wait over 48 hours for a call back). Each time she would call back, it was right before 5 pm with a promise to call the next day.

After a week of this, I am starting to get very pissed! I had given her my address and waited for a whole week clutching the cell phone and not letting it out of my sight. I was informed they would come to my place, do the check, interview me, and be done. The fact that Jazmin was “safe” was their excuse. I reminded them that Todd had just had open heart surgery and he really didn’t need this stress. He was still unable to drive a car. She told me they would be coming to my home.

D kept on with the bossy txt messages. I was told I had the weekend to get the rest of my stuff. I couldn’t go there. During this week, my car had died on the highway as it was. I could not get to Anacortes. I told him to leave me alone. I had worse problems to deal with.

So I find out later, that CPS went to my OLD HOME the weekend that D was there getting his things. He told them a bunch of lies and he said he had no idea where I was or how to contact me. He was texting me!! How could he tell them something like that? And WHY did they not come to my home?? They knew I wasn’t there. I gave them my address several times. They had the cell phone number too!

So I start to crack. I call D’s mother. I told her I just wanted to get my things and be done with the situation. I asked her why he would tell CPS that I abuse my daughter!! She said “I can’t help you anymore.” and “I have no idea about anything”. Well that’s just great. I was so pissed off I called D’s cell phone over and over and he wouldn’t answer. He was out with his sister partying downtown. I texted her, no reply. Well I guess that’s that!!! I retreated to my room and cry myself to sleep. I cry every day as I get the 48 hour runaround from Mt Vernon CPS.

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A dear friend of mine kept in touch with me through this and offered me a condo in another town. I met up with him, checked it out, and was SOLD. Now, they won’t bother with investigating Fransisco. They won’t need to. This wonderful friend truly saved me and I am so grateful to have him as a valued friend to this day. The next day, I load my car up and hit the freeway. Before I left I had to get my car fixed. Someone had poured dirt in my gas tank and all of my tires had been slashed and they were patched up. That ate up the remainder of the small amount of money I had. But that was ok! God sent me an angel that day.

My car barely makes it but I pray and pray the whole way there. It’s a studio condo, very small. Small is fine as long as I can see my daughter again. I stay on the floor in silence for the following month, calling at 4:30 every single day, leaving a message, and getting the 48 hour callback promising “tomorrow”. Over and over and over again. By this time, I’m allowed to talk to Jazmin on the phone so those moments were so precious to me. She was hanging in there, strong as could be. Her dad was working again by now and I was growing very concerned because she was home alone alot. I didn’t feel she was old enough for that. I dunno why CPS thought that was better for her than being with her mother. After all she’s already been through.

Now it’s starting to get close to Jazmin’s 11th birthday. August 21st was approaching and the tears won’t stop for nothing. I had nothing but a box of ashes and a blanket on the floor. My finger was getting more swoolen by the day from no health care for almost 2 months and no way to get there as my car was trashed and I couldn’t afford gas. I pray and I pray…

Finally, one day the lady asked me, “Can you come to our office right now?” I was like HELL YEAH, I’m out the door. I jumped in my dangermobile and flew there on fumes with a dollar in my wallet. The questions she asked me were ABSOLUTELY ridiculous!!! I was accused of so many outlandish things. Then the panic attack subject got brought up again. Just like at the rat cage. So it wasn’t just Darlene! She said there was another report. Gee I wonder who that was!!! When CPS went to my old house, D WAS THERE!!! Thanks to him and his utter selfishness, I was unable to see my daughter for the entire summer? WTF!

Anyway, I finished my interview and she promised to talk to Jazmin one more time so we could be together as soon as possible. She apologized profusely and said that they were busier than ever before. Whatever! So get this, another week goes by being wishy washed. I am angrier by the day and about to lose it. People in my new community think I lied about even having a daughter and are starting to think something is fishy about me. Like I care, but shit, I just want to be normal and fit in like a normal human being. When I finally get to speak with her directly on the phone, she tells me that she can’t finish the report. Since I moved to another county, THEY WOULD HAVE TO TAKE OVER!

I wondered if I was going to have to go through this entire process again. I’m devestated at this point and miss my daughter so much. Our phone calls were full of tears and love. We knew we would make it through this but we kept thinking “WHY????”

August 21st was DAYS AWAY. I started to call the new CPS. They didn’t have the report yet. WTF! The lady said she transferred it. “It’s not on my desk yet”. OMG I’m having a hard time now keeping my cool. On August 20th, the day before her birthday, the new CPS office gets my stuff, and someone is here within hours!! NICE!!!!! I’m so stoked. I can’t wait to talk to the new lady. She gets here. I give her a seat which is a fold up beach chair I had gotten out of my car. She agreed to a SUPERVISED VISIT the next day, Jazzys birthday. I have no one to supervise. I lost all my friends and no one can just do that. Shit… Luckily, my parents agreed to bring her up here. I guess I gotta do what I gotta do.

I can’t express the emotion, the tears, the excitement, and downright nausea I felt when I saw her get out of the car. My little girl had GROWN since I’d seen her. She had a different hairdo and she looked visibly OLDER. I couldn’t stop holding my baby girl and crying. I was so happy. I’m crying as I type this. I love her so dearly.

The first thing we decide to do is go to lunch and the mall to let her get an outfit. My parents drove us and we just kept snuggling in the backseat so happy. She noticed how purple my finger was and wanted us to go to a clinic to get it drained or something. I was really feeling “off” that day. My chest was red and I was getting to feel kind of feverish that day. I just thought it was anxiousness of seeing Jaz. I went in and they recommended I go straight to the hospital. There was a red line forming up my hand and they informed me that an infection of that magnitude could result in either losing my finger, hand, arm, or even possible death if the infection spread through my body.

So we spend Jazmins birthday in the ER… and it’s a good thing we went. You won’t believe what happens next…

To be continued….

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